Good mornings Gods and Goddesses!
Once again I was so taken by your comments on the last blog that my plan for chatting about soy and poo has been derailed! Plus, I have to get on a plane in an hour and I don't want to rush the facts. Bav, girrrrl you always inspire me. This one is for you and for US. Hope it helps....
How do we live with the judge, jury and executioner that is scan/test time? How do we live with canSer without thinking of dying everyday? Man, I have been working on mastering that question for nearly 5 years now. As you know, I have a canSer that may never "go away". If you have watched my film then you have witnessed my struggle and unwavering desire to cure myself. Well, in the past year some big healing lights have blazed through the darkness of my reality.
I had the BIG "C" which = CANCER. Now, I have the little "c" which = chronic. I don't think of my tumors as deadly little parasites that MUST get the hell out of dodge, because if they don't then I will not rest, nope, I see them as a part of me that has wandered off, is confused, needs some loving and is ready for health but maybe not in my time frame. It took me a long time to get to cancer (not that I created it) and healing will take an equal load of soul-maturing patience. *Note: this is what works for me, you don't have to agree, I'm just telling my shit like it is..that said:
When you embrace this lifestyle you may expect instant changes, better scans, tumors to dissolve and a Macy's day parade to be thrown in your honor - I did. Guess what? All those wonderful things may happen. If they do you better write about it on this blog! LOL. On the flip side (cause ka-ching has a twin brother named Ka-splat) you may not see one change in the cancer. It may even grow. Naturally, this will be discouraging. But let me reveal the bigger pix of this BRILLIANT health painting. You will see other ailments vanish, you will feel empowered, you will feel like you're stepping up to the green plate of life, you will watch your relationships change, you will trim the fat and cut the dead weight, you will get closer to YOUR God and begin to see that you have a direct line for a chat any ole time, and you WILL heal. You may not be cured, but you will heal.
When I stopped focusing on being cured I started healing and LIVING in a MASSIVE way. I remember walking down the aisle at my wedding, I was loaded with "beauty marks" AKA tumors and the underlying tone of the evening was of tender magic and spirit. People laughed and cried in a way they wouldn't have if my fate was less know. But there I was, planning for my future and whispering "not today fear, I gotta soak this up like a juicy ray of sunshine, plus I look awesome and I want to be the queen!"
Sometimes we're gonna move like crabs in life and in cancer. Crabs get to the joint but they move sideways, backwards and all wonkily to do it. Your set backs are part of the process, hard to imagine but true. Cancer really doesn't want to kill me, I'm the host, if it fucks up the party who else is gonna buy the keg?
Tools that have helped me before scans or tests:
1. Replace "please Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, make it go away" with Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, thank you for my perfect health"
2. Meditate on the scan bed. I have a tribe of protectors on the other side and they all come wearing white, banging drums, smokin' peace pipes (filled with GOOD green grass, and not the wheat grass kind) and they create sacredness. When team spirit arrives no matter what happens I am not alone.
3. Go to your scan or test with someone who makes you feel happy.
4. If you get bad news, let it sink in, cry, spit, yell and sleep, then get your tush to the computer and come tell us about it. We will give you electronic hugs, help you get back in the game and send you to the juicer and to the garden.
5. Believe in your heart that canSer cowgirls and chaps are cut from a different cloth, you are enrolled in a selective phD program of life, you are one step away from buddhahood. What is this cobra trying to teach you? Make it active so you don't become passive and fall into victim mode. Replace fear with curiosity.
6. Change your focus, what gives you the greatest joy? For me it's creativity (blogged about fear a few moths back). Near scan time I write up a storm and my camera gets massive loving.
7. Do something really good for yourself the day before and the day after your scans. Have a massage and swipe the canSer card, see a great flick and plan the best day ever. It's a re-boot and it will bring you back to the moment. Right now I'm not dying, I'm flying through the air on the trapeze or I'm running with my pooch on the beach.
When we die, all we have is memories. Make lots of them.
Remember that life isn't greener on the other side. This is it it it, don't put your happiness AND your livin' on hold. What if the little chronic hangs out till you're 90, but since you wanted it gone so bad you wasted all your years in worry and fright. I know my experience is different from most, but it's the only place I can write from. I haven't had to deal with chemo and radiation or with an agressive canSer like many of you. But I have had to learn to go the distance with something that is totally unknown, with no cure and no proven treatment. I could do chemo right now but I have been told time and time again that the canSer may shrink but it ain't gonna vanish. So my choice has been to focus on the abundant QUALITY of my life and to plan for an techincolor future.
An attitude of gratitude for all that my guru teaches me helps me wipe out the torture mental shackles and self-imposed prison life. I am free NOW.
What helps you? What can you share with us today?
Big love and peace and freedom,
PS. So many new comers to the blof this week, welcome! Thanks james Frame for all your wisdom. James is one of my health peeps. He's got A LOT of knowledge and great advise so when he post ya'll ask questions! I know I will.
PSS. XOXXO to Bav and and all you angels who are waiting for news and fastening your seat belt for the drive to the canServille check point. I will meditate on your happiness.
Off to the Lance Armstrong Foundation and then a week of teaching at Hippocrates! Can't wait to blog from the wheat grass palace!
Make it go away....
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Posted by cancer cowgirl xo at 7:13 AM