Good mornings Gods and Goddesses!
Once again I was so taken by your comments on the last blog that my plan for chatting about soy and poo has been derailed! Plus, I have to get on a plane in an hour and I don't want to rush the facts. Bav, girrrrl you always inspire me. This one is for you and for US. Hope it helps....
How do we live with the judge, jury and executioner that is scan/test time? How do we live with canSer without thinking of dying everyday? Man, I have been working on mastering that question for nearly 5 years now. As you know, I have a canSer that may never "go away". If you have watched my film then you have witnessed my struggle and unwavering desire to cure myself. Well, in the past year some big healing lights have blazed through the darkness of my reality.
I had the BIG "C" which = CANCER. Now, I have the little "c" which = chronic. I don't think of my tumors as deadly little parasites that MUST get the hell out of dodge, because if they don't then I will not rest, nope, I see them as a part of me that has wandered off, is confused, needs some loving and is ready for health but maybe not in my time frame. It took me a long time to get to cancer (not that I created it) and healing will take an equal load of soul-maturing patience. *Note: this is what works for me, you don't have to agree, I'm just telling my shit like it is..that said:
When you embrace this lifestyle you may expect instant changes, better scans, tumors to dissolve and a Macy's day parade to be thrown in your honor - I did. Guess what? All those wonderful things may happen. If they do you better write about it on this blog! LOL. On the flip side (cause ka-ching has a twin brother named Ka-splat) you may not see one change in the cancer. It may even grow. Naturally, this will be discouraging. But let me reveal the bigger pix of this BRILLIANT health painting. You will see other ailments vanish, you will feel empowered, you will feel like you're stepping up to the green plate of life, you will watch your relationships change, you will trim the fat and cut the dead weight, you will get closer to YOUR God and begin to see that you have a direct line for a chat any ole time, and you WILL heal. You may not be cured, but you will heal.
When I stopped focusing on being cured I started healing and LIVING in a MASSIVE way. I remember walking down the aisle at my wedding, I was loaded with "beauty marks" AKA tumors and the underlying tone of the evening was of tender magic and spirit. People laughed and cried in a way they wouldn't have if my fate was less know. But there I was, planning for my future and whispering "not today fear, I gotta soak this up like a juicy ray of sunshine, plus I look awesome and I want to be the queen!"
Sometimes we're gonna move like crabs in life and in cancer. Crabs get to the joint but they move sideways, backwards and all wonkily to do it. Your set backs are part of the process, hard to imagine but true. Cancer really doesn't want to kill me, I'm the host, if it fucks up the party who else is gonna buy the keg?
Tools that have helped me before scans or tests:
1. Replace "please Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, make it go away" with Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, thank you for my perfect health"
2. Meditate on the scan bed. I have a tribe of protectors on the other side and they all come wearing white, banging drums, smokin' peace pipes (filled with GOOD green grass, and not the wheat grass kind) and they create sacredness. When team spirit arrives no matter what happens I am not alone.
3. Go to your scan or test with someone who makes you feel happy.
4. If you get bad news, let it sink in, cry, spit, yell and sleep, then get your tush to the computer and come tell us about it. We will give you electronic hugs, help you get back in the game and send you to the juicer and to the garden.
5. Believe in your heart that canSer cowgirls and chaps are cut from a different cloth, you are enrolled in a selective phD program of life, you are one step away from buddhahood. What is this cobra trying to teach you? Make it active so you don't become passive and fall into victim mode. Replace fear with curiosity.
6. Change your focus, what gives you the greatest joy? For me it's creativity (blogged about fear a few moths back). Near scan time I write up a storm and my camera gets massive loving.
7. Do something really good for yourself the day before and the day after your scans. Have a massage and swipe the canSer card, see a great flick and plan the best day ever. It's a re-boot and it will bring you back to the moment. Right now I'm not dying, I'm flying through the air on the trapeze or I'm running with my pooch on the beach.
When we die, all we have is memories. Make lots of them.
Remember that life isn't greener on the other side. This is it it it, don't put your happiness AND your livin' on hold. What if the little chronic hangs out till you're 90, but since you wanted it gone so bad you wasted all your years in worry and fright. I know my experience is different from most, but it's the only place I can write from. I haven't had to deal with chemo and radiation or with an agressive canSer like many of you. But I have had to learn to go the distance with something that is totally unknown, with no cure and no proven treatment. I could do chemo right now but I have been told time and time again that the canSer may shrink but it ain't gonna vanish. So my choice has been to focus on the abundant QUALITY of my life and to plan for an techincolor future.
An attitude of gratitude for all that my guru teaches me helps me wipe out the torture mental shackles and self-imposed prison life. I am free NOW.
What helps you? What can you share with us today?
Big love and peace and freedom,
K
PS. So many new comers to the blof this week, welcome! Thanks james Frame for all your wisdom. James is one of my health peeps. He's got A LOT of knowledge and great advise so when he post ya'll ask questions! I know I will.
PSS. XOXXO to Bav and and all you angels who are waiting for news and fastening your seat belt for the drive to the canServille check point. I will meditate on your happiness.
Off to the Lance Armstrong Foundation and then a week of teaching at Hippocrates! Can't wait to blog from the wheat grass palace!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Make it go away....
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136 comments:
Hi Kris! You are amazing. I watched Crazy Sexy Cancer and it rocked. I got Erin Zammitt's book and read it too. I want to understand cancer as much as possible. My family has been struck with a lot of cancer in the past years. One elderly relitive died of Melanoma for the face and anothe rlittle boy died of leukemia. My nana has had lung cancer and after having 2 of her lobes removed, she's lung cancer free - skin cancer is another thing. My mom's been tested for uterin cancer, but she was OK in that department. My mom's cousin as well as her best friend was diagnoised with both uterin and ovarian cancer - stages 3 and 4. They are still alive and doing OK - one is in complete remission, the other's tumors are smaller. I'm only 21...so that's a lot of cancer for one person to see.
Would you mind putting up a list of your symptoms of the type of cancer you had before you knew? Also, if anyone has questions, how do they contact you - besides posting here?
Such great advice, Kris!!
"Really" living and not wasting what time we do have and replacing fear with curiosity makes me think ATTITUDE, ATTITUDE, ATTITUDE. We are the ones who decide how we're going to deal with whatever situation is tossed our way.
I have a friend who believes that there are 2 types of people - people who are basically happy and people who are basically unhappy - one or the other. Do we want to give out positive or negative vibes? It's our decision.
A life spilling over with positive energy, hope and healing will draw people like moths to a flame.
May everyone think positive thoughts today!
Hi Kris,
Just wanted to say that you inspire me every day... I watched your movie when it originally aired and I just discovered your blog. My husband was diagnosed in June with stage IV colon cancer at the age of 38 and it has rocked my family's world. You give me the strength every day to keep fighting the good, green fight for him, for me, and for our children. You have shown the world what a positive attitude and real vitality for life looks like, feels like, and the power it has to move mountains... thank you. I will stay tuned for each new entry in your blog.
Hugs and lots of strength,
Cindy
It's amazing how these blogs speak to you just at the right time....almost down the minute. Kris, Although I am going through a form of chemo for the canSer you and I both have, I'm thankful that I'm making positive progress in my life each and every day and I have God, my friends and family and the strength and wisdom of all the canSer cowgirls and chaps you've inspired and given a forum to share to thank for that!
I love how much your blog and all the canSer peeps advice and talk of their journey is also so relavent to so many other issues in life. You guys are a daily "wake-up" call for me and a daily inspiration. Thank you so much.
Hope you don't mind me being off topic: I've been wanting to purchase a yoga mat so I can attand a yoga class with my friend. I've been looking around for one that is made of good materials. I saw the gaiam one on the crazysexycancer homepage but the Gaiam site didn't mention what the mat was made of. So I emailed customer service. I was surpised at the response:
"Hello,
I'm wondering if you can tell me what your yoga mats are made of?
Jamie
>>
Thank you for your inquiry. Our yoga essentials mat is made of PVC.
We also have yoga mats in alternative materials, shown here:
http://www.gaiam.com/retail/3/YogaEcoTools
Regards,
Gaiam.com Customer Service
<<----
PVC?! I didn't expect that. Looks like their eco ones are ok but I was surprised. Does anyone have any other recommendations for a mat that is not made with PVC and/or doesn't contain chloride? We have a lululemon store here and I know that their mats are non-toxic materials but SO pricey. :|
My mom has had colon cancer and breast cancer and has never treated her body well no matter how I try and help her. I am going to be 40 next year and now the doctors say it is my turn to start all the tests. Even though I have always been physically active and eat very well and get lots of rest. I am not sure that I want to start the looking for things wrong in my body yet. I feel that I will have many years of that when the time comes. Am I being extremly naive? I just sometimes beleive to not go looking for things and don't try and fix what is not broken, yet.
Hi Kris and everybody!!! This post rocks..my mom has CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia) and i am slowly getting her into a "green" lifestyle. At first, she was opposed but now is actually looking forward to juicing everyday! It's really cool to see the transformation! Thank you Kris from the bottom of my heart! If i can add some life to my mom I am forever grateful!
Michelle
Thanks (as always) for the advice. It's so easy to get caught up in the negatives and the what ifs and all the stuff that drags you down. I loved the making memories bit best of all - since the scare I've started seeing my boyfriend and family more, and trying to make more time for adventures with friends.
We're all totally worth the health and positivity and exuberance, so we may as well let it in as much as possible.
Hi Kris!
I haven't seen your documentary yet (being a poor grad student, I don't have cable!) but I got your book over the summer, and really love it. I've recommended it to sooo many people. And though I come from a very Western medicine perspective, I definitely see your points and especially love today's post. I love the discussion about "cure" vs HEALING and I think in general, we have to reexamine our attitudes about healing, and what it means. :)
I will be in NYC for the summer, doing a cancer/public health internship....if you are in the area I would love to meet up/discuss things!
be well.
AAAAAAAMEN, SISTAH!!!!!!!!!
What I have done so far to help with my Scan tomorrow:
1. Well, the first thing I did today at 4:30 AM was meditate for the first time in a while for 1/2 hour. That helped.
2. THEN I read your post....It was like getting a nice gentle shot of wisdom and confidence all in one!
3 The next thing I will do is take a nice walk with a really cool friend at lunch.
4 THEN I am going to spend money on myself and my daughter's birthday who is also turning 7 tomorrow.
5 THEN I am going to have a healthy dinner and go to bed really early with the help of my sleeping aid (it works for me). I am also going to hug all of my daughters and my husband and my dog really tight.
6 THEN when tomorrow when I wake up I am going to meditate again, work in my studio get my port accessed by my favorite chemo nurse, Alan who is wonderful and I have a secret crush on (only because he gives me the elixer of life every three weeks and he cares about me).
7 THEN I am going to go my scan with my sis in law that I love and I am going to chat with her the whole time and laugh and then imagine my angel holding my hand!
Oh, Kris, thank you so much.I was starting to panic. And everytime I do for the next 48 hours I am going to read your post.
BAV and Charleen and anyone else who is scanning and / or waiting: we can do this! I am going to pray hard for all of you today and tomorrow.
I will report on Friday the results.
Cheers
This is the first time on your site. I totally inspired. I have know about Milk and Wheat products for a long time, but to see more informaiton out there for everyone is amazing. I have a friend of mine going through cancer so I just wrote her a very inspirational note and sent her your email. I hope that she will be as inspired as I am after reading these post, looking at your trailer.
The difference you are making in lives in profound. Keep it up, all my thoughts with you.
Tiffany
Don't underestimate the power of the beloved Dr. Seuss and the fantastic book "Oh, the Places You'll Go!".
I read it when the going gets tough and when the tough get going.
You are all inspiring and motivating. Bless you!
Oh my gosh. I am starting to wonder if you are hiding under my bed or something because every time I come here and read your blog it is exactly the perfect thing at the perfect time. This morning I was a ball of tears because I was just so taken by the way life is. There is so much fight and pain, but it is a sweet pain. A beautiful pain. Sometimes things are God awful. But I think that even in those moments there is a hidden beauty. Its the strangest thing to me. I dont know. But thank you for your encouragement today. I sure needed it. I am waiting news of my own kind (about my heart) and ........the wait is hard. Its so strange when a doctor slams an expiration stamp on you. Its painful-but I am like "Uh-Uh, No Way". I cant listen to that-and I am doing my best not too. Today reminded me how to do that better. So Mwa! A kiss to that beautiful forehead!
I have a quick question too. I had asked about that 21 day fast you did and you reffered me to Dr. Youngs book. I am a little confused now though..... if you have the time I was wondering if you could email or comment or something with kind of an outline on what to do and maybe some examples of recipes or just what you did....I feel so bad asking you to do that because I know how busy you are-so no worries if you dont. Im just asking because I desperatley need a 'reboot' like that and I am leaving for a major trip very soon and I like to do the "feast" before then. Also I dont want to do it in an unhealthy way...... Also I saw Doctor Oz talk about his green juice and I thought he said he blends it up? You juice yours, but does he juice his? I also dont think my blender could handle a cucumber and leafy greens but I dont know. I fear it might make a chunky green drink which sort of grosses me out a bit.... Anyway.....I am shakin my hips today! And let me tell you...I have some killer dance moves :) !!
Becky - GREAT system you have goin on! I don't think it's the scan that gets me all wiggy, it's waiting for the results. Knowing if being a guinea pig is worth it. I have 3 oncologist homeboys and called my lead oncologist (don't get to see or talk to much since I'm in a clinical study) asking him to get the results of my scan this afternoon. I couldn't imagine waiting until this time next week to get the results.
Becky, Bav and all you other cancer cowgirls, WE ARE the epitome of strength. Becky, I'll be praying for you too sistah! Keep doin what you're doin:)
justme17, I still haven't ponied up the money to get a juicer, so I am using my blender for cukes, kale and stuff. I let it settle afterwards so the gunk floats to the top. i drink it all, but you can scrape it off I would think... It seems to work. I can't wait to get the juicer, but we just don't have the bucks right now.Just a suggestion!
Kris,
This was a magical post. Every person should read it and substitute canser for whatever is ailing them and then change thier train fo thought. I had a huge wake-up call on my attitude and I have never looked back.
One beautiful Dec. after noon after xmas but before New year my family was pretty tired and very sick. husband cutiepie was dying and I was in chemo. (note old thinking here words like dying).
Friday night of that week I talked to my gorgeous soul sister Shelley. Her husband was a really cool guy who happened to be a minister and we both we talking about my trip tp seminary and how i just wasn't ready for the responsibility of others. I would find my voice, and place Lattie kept reassuring me. And I would express to Lattie all the fears I wouldn't tell my best friend she must always see me strong. (stupid) Lattie in an insightful way simply said. God will reveal to you your destiny if you will shut up sit still and let him. he is using this canser give it all a chance everything changes our lives if we let it.
Monday morning of the follwing week I call Shelley around 8 am Duncan husband cutie pie may need a vent and he was adament about no vent.. tears no letting go happened just a lot of panicing on my side. Eleven am Shelley calls back and that is odd she lives 12 hours away and is usually worried about the cell cell bill? Lattie is dead. 36 years old and pulled out of his church parking lot and was hit going five miles an hour and died. Well I threw Duncan into the car as sick as we both were an off to Georgia we went for the next thirteen days. You see lattie was something of a hero and many homeless and transient people he had met along the way as well as the rich and powerful were coming to the funeral and some were walking and that takes awile from Florida and Mobile. Well as we arranged and thought over the funeral the brain in my head changed... I thought I am havng chemo, Duncan is suppose to be dying.. and we are living and this amazing man is dead 36 and dead. Well call it the spirit of Lattie gave me a swift kick in the breeches and I was filled with the fact the simple fact that we are alive. ALIVE>>>> nothing not canser or diagnois' or doctors or any illness can take that moment. we live so we must LIVE! How do you know you are having a day worth living.. Are you above ground.. Get to it. Don't sit and wait and wonder. life does not come with a time and date stamp. And girls Quality does trump quantity. Would Lattie have wanted to see his 3 month old daughter grow up into the beauty who dances in church to the choir and Shelley turn from a girl into a goddess.. OF COURSE.. but he didn't and we have to know that life will go on without us but if you cannot have a mind shift then just get determined and live. Joy will find you the worry will slide into the back of your mind and before you know if.. healing bgins. Like Kris said so beautifully healing is not always the canser is gone.. healing can come in so many forms. Just allow the universe to heal you and you will be a fierce force. Our healing came.. do we both have bad days and sick days and some days it takes two hours to make a bed. Sure .. but other days watch out..
Funny thing happened on the way to dying. I found life. Lattie had written years before to the seminary and local prebytery office to be on the look out for me that I had a call and would be coming before to long. This letter that was three years old by the time I was well enough to show up at the presbytery office wanting to decern my call changed my life. I had a recommendation from a person that was admired and respected and well known. That I loved and I cried for the joy and time he had taken to write something he felt inspired to write before years before I had decided to make this leap. Second Lesson.. dont put off today what you want or need to do for you or other if physically possible. You are paving the way with dream stones that enable others to find thier potential.
Flasj forward to 2007... I am in remission. I finished seminary and Own a Mission in Mobile for women and men in emergenecy. Husband cutiepie did not need the vent he needed to stop thinking sick and some antibiotics. Now he is editing his third novel and helping me man the mission when he can.
Remember your mind and your spirit is a terrible thing to waste and giving the "thought" honor wastes time. I think of how damn scared I get every time I put off a scan. I just quake then My little Hasidic Jewish doctor who I love.. tels me.. ya' gonna have a little cansa darlin' get over it already! I always have to laugh! Then I calm down and get in.
So I thought I would share my mind shift with you all. It helped me. It was a horror. But in the horror came reason. Brought me out of myself showed me if I thought of others and loved and cared for myself that was all I could do. We can control and live out best lives. We cannot change what we do not control. I hope and pray that each one of you obtains peace and sends those thoughts packing. you all are in my prayers and thoughts all day. Each one of you have changed me. So I know this is long I just hope it is of use.
Thanks again Kris and have a great trip. I cannot wait for my trip to Hipposcrates. I am on sprouts and veggies waiting for the new year.
Many Blessings. Callie and Duncan
Good luck to everyone!!
Stay positive and
I'm going to send positive energy to you all during my yoga class tonight!
kris
i saw your film on TLC. wow - you rock girl!!! i am an oncology nurse who is very interested in alternative medicine. i encourage and push my patients to try other healing modalities in addition to their chemo.
being a witness to the transformation that occurs in the face of cancer is amazing. i feel honored to be experiencing my patients and their process. i learn everyday from so many blessed souls. their strength feeds me big time!!!
since seeing your film, i am on a mission to inspire my patients to start juicing greens. and you have motivated me to pull out that juicer myself.
one quick juicer question - which vitamix do you recommend? have a beautiful trip.
may you be filled with light, health and love.
cathy
kris.. if it wasn't for you i don't know what i would do. i am newly dx.. and like you... no cure, no symptoms, no treatment. for the first 6 weeks i cried and was blue every single day.. then i realized that "c" was winning already ... and robbing me of my beautiful life.. so... by enjoying my day to the fullest... i win!!!! at least day by day... i love you kris...
Kris, CanSer cowgirls,
Much thanks and gratitude for the response. I just thought, in the spirit of the Perfection post Kris did, that we should all dialogue about the fact that just as it is hard sometimes to say "no" to that cup of coffee, sometimes it is hard to not feel the fear. And though the emotion goes so deep for so many of us, it feels good to talk about it, doesn't it?? Especially with peeps who "get it" without an exhaustive search for the right words to convey what it is like. I know for me, hearing that others struggle with the same, makes me feel better b/c it doesn't feel so "alone out here." Or that I am somehow weak for feeling this way, at times. My scan leaves me in the tube for 3 hours - yup, 3 hours, so I usually do ok for the first bit, and then somewhere in the middle I start to get a bit edgy. This time, I am bringing the posse with me, you will all keep me on the Light Path, reminding me I am a cowgirl, and I kick ass!
Becky, I am sending you love, Girl. We need to get together again soon, maybe a swim in the ocean together?
Thank you all for the love, support, reminders, and shared stories.
Kris, maybe we should make a "scan CD" especially for canSer babes and dudes to listen to during tests?? What do you think?
Hugs to all,
b
Hi Kris and everyone. I am new to the blog and I am scared. If you knew me you would be surprised to hear me say such a humble word. "scared" I am thought of as the strong one in my family of 15 kids and all my friends. When I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer (which is a highly curable cancer) I acted like it was no big deal and getting a thyroidectomy, radiation etc... was an inconvenience to my schedule. I was and am still a graduate student. I didn't take care of myself before the diagnosis and am barely taking care of myself now. (just being honest) I really don't really know how....I have low energy and am struggling with a host of consequential health issues. Most recently, a high ALT level..something to do with the liver. I just did a liver panel this morning...I don't even want to deal with what this could mean.
Nevertheless, when I saw Kris on Oprah I was inspired to learn more and try to do something to contribute to my own wellness. I hope I am not too late. I am taking the smallest of baby steps and even though I am scared of the possibility of more complicated news I am going to make an effort to live better even if it is one minute ...one prayer...one cucumber...and one leg lift at a time. Thank you everyone for sharing what you know.
Nikki
Slayer,
If I may, with love, don't "not treat your body well" as your mother did by sticking your head in the sand. Given the family history, absolutely get screened! It is reassurance that you remain in the all clear, not looking to create a problem. Colon cancer in particular, I call one of those "silent" cancers - meaning that by the time you are having physical symptoms, it is usually much further along than if it had been caught early through screening. It is absolutely your choice to make, but please don't choose inaction out of fear. The whole canSer trailride tends to go a lot more smoothly if it is caught early.
At least, that is my 2 cents.
Hugs,
b
Kris, I am very excited to hear about colonics. I just had my first one yesterday. For only being in my early 20's, I ceartinly had quite a bit of "crap" to get out!!!
I have a Vita Mix on my Christmas list....grew up at home having one and miss it dearly now that I'm out on my own and have adopted a healthy lifestyle. I would get a juicer, but I'd miss all the fiber benefits of leaving it all in with the Vita Mix.
I know this is my second comment on here, but I was thinking about feelings re:scans and followup visits...I had HSIL (high-grade precancerous cervical lesions), which is also known as "Stage 0" cervical cancer...I had almost NO risk factors, and it was taken care of pretty easily by surgery. (Although I had to fight for a second opinion, which found that the initial pathology slides were read wrong!). I always get nervous before visits. I am now on 6 month checks rather than 3 month checks, and thanks to getting back on my old insurance, I am able to finally return to my homegirl oncologist in NYC after not seeing her for a year and a half!!! But I find that reading positive books like "The Anatomy of Hope" and "There's No Place Like Hope" and making kick-ass mixes on my iPod help, as does the 23rd Psalm. I am not "religious", but I AM spiritual, and I think that no matter what religion, the 23rd Psalm can be calming. (The Lord is my shepherd, etc). It's not for everyone. But it works for me. Sometimes I also bring a friend....although sometimes I would rather be alone with my thoughts! :)
keep it up everyone!
Bav
Thanks for your two cents worth. I sure understand what you are saying as I am really struggling with it. I am not scared to go for the tests themselves. But bare with me here, say I live to 80 (hopefully) do I want to spend 40 years of my life looking for soemthing that is going to kill me. I know that at some point in my life I am going to die just like everyone else and do I want to spend that time searching for something that will kill me?? My mom has said that she knew at least 2 years before that she had a problem. One thing I will not do is if I have a problem I will go right away and you are so right by that point it might be to late or it might not. Just because my mom has had cancer does not mean I will get it and it does not mean I will not get it.
I always view this as if I could go to God and ask him how long I would live would I want to know? I would not want to know because I would not want to spend my time living in fear.
Thank you for caring enough to write me a note.
Hugs right back at you.
Slayer
Bav and all,
Your comments about "fear" hit the nail on the head. And it does feel good to talk about it here. When I couldn't have my latest treatment due to my white cell count, my first thought was, my mom and sister are going to think this is terrible and freak out. And they did. And I had to give myself permission to stay away from them for awhile.
After watching CSC (which many of my friends/relatives did at my insistence!), a good friend of mine commented, "You have made it so easy on us. It shouldn't be that easy on us." I tried to explain that my positive, kick-ass attitude was the only way I could handle this. It was actually quite selfish and had nothing to do with her! Many friends/relatives try so hard to be supportive and understand, but there is really nothing like venting to those of you who truly get it.
Slayer - get yourself tested. I was 49, felt fantastic, was in great shape physically, etc. At an annual physical, my blood count showed extreme anemia, which concerned my doc and she ordered an early colonoscopy. Diagnosis: Stage IV, mets to liver. That one big ol' tumor had been growing for about 10 years. No family history. Stage IV sounds scary, but my prognosis is excellent. The spread could have been way, way worse if I hadn't caught it when I did.
Cheryl
I will have been living with Cancer for a year this January '08. I was diagnosed shortly after I turned 19 and will be 20 this Sunday the 11th. I have alveolar soft part sarcoma which is one of the rarer sarcoma's and luckily...slow growing. Although it wasn't found until a decently advanced stage (and I had no symptoms) I have a few things that help me around test time...
1. Take Kris's book with you (or any good book) on results day. I read it in the waiting room and it helped my anxiety at least a little bit.
2. I don't pray for perfectly clean scans..I pray for scans that give me hope. My latest scans showed that my spots had not grown in 8 weeks..which means 8 more weeks and another scan which= 2 more months with no treatment and time to plan more fun for myself.
3. Even if you don't get the best news remember the positives. I don't know about anyone else by my Dr.'s always throw a little glimmer of positiveness in there even when the news isn't great. I am young, I am very healthy despite Cancer and my blood work is normal. Which means my body can take pretty much anything they throw at me. I have time on my side.
...Remember it is still possible to be really healthy despite those dumb tumors and spots. It's possible to be healthy and have Cancer. Look at it this way...as bad as you may have it, someone, somewhere out there has it worse. People deal with chronic diseases every day. But like I said, don't pray for perfection, just pray for hope!
One more quick post...
Slayer-
I might know a little know how you feel, cancer used to terrify me even before I knew I had it! I would have a bad headache off and on for a week and be like OhMYGod what if it's a tumor?! Med students tend to think they have every disease in the book while they're in school (hehe). But the thing is, as scary as the testing may be..and even if something comes back malignant..the earlier you catch it, the better off you are! It will be more of a minor surgery and less if none at all, treatment. I wish wish wish I would have found mine 4 years ago!! It doesn't have to be this big deal about dying and whatnot...it's just another step in taking care of your body so you can stick around! =) I hope you go and get tested and I'm sending good vibes your way.
Slayer,
Ok, I am going to push back one more time, then I will leave you be to decide for yourself.
You are absolutely right, just because your mom got cancer (TWO kinds) does not mean you will get it. However, it does increase your risk b/c of possible genetic factors. And depending on her age at first diagnosis, it can make those risks even higher.
The screening for colon cancer - a colonoscopy, depending on your risk factors (and results), is only performed typically every 5-10 years. So, in your example of a 40 year span, that means you would get screened 4-8 times. To me, that is not "spending 40 years looking for something that is going to kill me." That is 4-8 days, out of 14,600 days, hopefully ensuring I can continue to enjoy my healthy, quality (and yes, quantity) of life.
Do you get PAP smears? Because it is the same thing. It is not "looking for something that is going to kill you." It is looking for changes that can usually be dealt with immediately BEFORE they become cancerous, BEFORE they become something that can kill you. The changes are easily treated. You are fine, healthy, free to go on your way.
For me, I would much rather go through the discomfort (physical or emotional)of a screening test, then end up with a malignant, metastatic cancer, requiring large sections of my bowel to be resected, chemo, radiation etc etc. In my opinion, it is not about "looking for something that is going to kill me." It is about doing everything I can to try to ensure I DON'T develop something that is going to kill me, by catching early changes.
Just a different way to look at it. It is your body, and I completely respect it is your decision to make. But I encourage you to consider viewing these helpful screening aides as positive tools, not as harbingers of doom and gloom.
Good luck.
b
Hello Roslin07 and Cheryl
Thank you so much for sharing with me. I hear what you are saying and I guess I am fighting it so hard because I am just not ready. But then again who is ever ready. I would like to think that my body would show me signs but you both are so right, it might not. It is funny when I wrote this first post I was 80% not to go and 20% to go and now I think I am 50 50.
Thank you all for being so kind.
Slayer
Slayer,
I think everyone here is going to have a different opinion. I just feel that you should not look in fear for something to happen to you that probley wont. If I understand you haven't had canser and are scared of it. And rightly so. But I think maybe... that you may have seen your family member suffer and gotten terrified. if you have not been sick.. get checked then leave it alone. Do routine maintance on your body and live well and you will stay canser free God willing and if you dont then you will find it early and treat it. All my life I have been afraid of dr.s... but it was a dr. that saved my life. I am the first person in my family that has ever had canser?? why who knows... But. everyone else isn't checking each muscle pull and cough for canser, they just get screened like a flu shot and go on.Now on the subject of fear. The best way I have learned to deal with it is find a dr. you can really talk too.. not the ten minutes and upps.. your out kind.. and tell him about your fears. Get all the checks then rejoice and keep supporting others to get checked. A lot of knowledge can cure a lot of fear. You know there are genetic makers to look to see how your genes are developing and what the likelyhood is that you will get sick. Relax.. and enjoy good health. Just know you have a friend in the fear.. I drag thru it..I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Callie
Hi canser gals and chaps!
wanted to share.. went to a new gp dr and a nurse there was training, turns out she is an oncology nurse and I let loose with all my shit and I started crying, ok, truth is I was crying a little before she even came in.
I am sure I am not alone in feeling uncomfortable in the dr office now.. I go every 2 months for blood test to see what my pesky CLL leukemia is up to now..mostly I just want to run screaming out of the office and never come back.
Anyway..it felt good to talk about in a frank manner and this post really helps...we need to talk and we need to know we are not alone. I have only told a few friends and my sister and hubby, the kids do not know. My 6 yo is now asking why all I eat is veggies..I am now a good role model for her!
all good thoughts for you scanners and others visiting your md soon.. we are all with you on that damn paper covered table!!
deb
Bav
Thanks so much for your posts. Yes I do get paps and I go regularly for physicals and to an extent you are right about it being the same. As I said in my previous post, I think I am just not ready yet.
When we found out my mom had colon cancer it changed my life. It was the first time CANCER had touch my family and my mom is my best friend. All my thoughts where of that she would no longer be in my life and how much I would miss her.
Again in my previous post, I do not have fear of the actual test but I guess my fear is of having a problem and am I ready to handle it. But again who is ever ready.
My mom handled her self so well with both of her cancers. She is the strongest women I know and I can only hope that I can be that strong when it is my turn.
Thank you so much for helping me get a better grip.
Slayer
Basic me
WOW, I think you nailed it. Yes my mom suffered a lot and continues to suffer as at 63 she is having to make changes to her life that she is not finding easy. And she continues to struggle daily with being touched by cancer and I think to this day looks for cancer to kill her.
It is really hard to find that kind of dr. All of them just want you in and out.
Thank you for your email and your thoughts and prayers.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you who have taken the time to help an undecided blogger.
Slayer
coming here and reading everyone's posts makes me feel lukcy to be me.
thanks for trudging the road of happy destiny with me.
You are all amazing! Thanks to each of you for sharing a small glimpse of each of your journeys with everyone on this blog. Thanks to Kris for being the catalyst! This is a crazy, scary, unknown but wonderful ride! I hate that scans and tests will always be part of our lives, but with humor, support, faith, veggies, and love, we can do it (sometimes I need to say that out loud to remind myself)! As with Lauren, I will also be sending positive thoughts to all of you during yoga tonight!
Just had my 1st CT scan this afternoon since starting the clinical trial. Now, it's just waiting and waiting for the results which is sometimes the most agonizing! Truth be told, I lost it today for the first time while the nurse was getting me prepped for the scan. The blogs yesterday and today have been the best kick in the ass for me in a very long time!
After being in remission from Hodgkin's Disease for 17 years and now having rare incurable tumors living in my liver, I'm learning how to live all over again. I kick myself in the ass again for waiting so long to truly live my life. My family and friends, including my husband think I'm the strongest person they've ever known. The first go 'round of this, I became strong because my friends and family were having such a difficult time with my canser. Maybe it was because I was the 1st one in my family. Now I'm finding myself doing it again. 2nd nature I suppose. My husband goes about each day as though nothing is wrong. Kinda good most of the time, but there are days, if you know what I mean. I find myself drawing strength from not wanting my family to be sad about me. I know attitude plays such an important part in our healing process both physically, emotionally and mentally but when is it ok to give ourselves permission to have a melt down? How can a strong cowgirl be weak? Another question...although one appears to be strong to others, hiding some of our saddness, what does it take to successfully peel back the layers that protect us and let our spirit be free. Free to live and be truly happy?
Thanks Becky, Bav, Kris, basic me, slayer and all you other cowgirls that put your heart and soul out there! Thanks for sharing and coming into my cyberworld and into my heart!
Kris what a wonderful post! :) your gonna be at Hippocrates for a week teaching? so COOL! oh PLEASE PLEASE record some of it for youtube! :) or all of it! lol!
Basic Me~ That story was so funny! you got your very own Suzanne Sugarbaker, lol i love it! your mom is a rock star! lol!
Justme117 ~ I watch dr.oz too, and his green drink i believe was juiced. speaking of a blended chunky veggie shake- oh yuck lol! i did a blender concoction i literally could not swallow it, the second i took it in my mouth I immediately- with out even thinking-a knee-jerk reaction i leaned to the sink and just hurled it out..lol! I just couldn't even try to swallow it, so gross, I tried one more sip, and just couldn't lol...for some reason though the actual juice/and the juicing of the veggies is sooooo completely different tasting and soooo good!
blended veggies vs. juiced veggies----juicing wins hands down in taste.....although I have blended fresh spinach in my blueberry, banana, shakes, or my strawberry, banana, Marion berry shakes etc- I use rice milk or almond milk as a base...now that tastes good..the spinach you cant even taste in it, it blends in really well....
Becky ~ blended veggies-you have a good idea-letting the fiber settle then drink it...I didn't think of that
Jamie ~ wow yoga mat -toxic? crazy...i guess mine is too, never thought about that... although mine is soft and fuzzy, and red-with gray border sweeeet..i love mine..its made by danskin...maybe it isn't toxic...i guess you can lay a towel on it...
Jaime (the other one lol,the poor grad student) ~ you haven't seen the film,bummer, well at least you can watch the trailer on youtube-
http://youtube.com/watch?v=qmjcKqXHJSM
To be 100% honest. I've been putting off getting my scan. After twice being told "IT (the dreaded IT!) has come back", it doesn't give me a lot of confidence or motivation to walk into my Drs. office with my head held high.
I keep creating excuses for myself, why I need to put it off. Why it can't happen this week, or next.
But reading this blog convinced me that regardless of what the "news" is...I have to put me first, not that nagging worry in the back of my brain, but ME.
Charleen,
Right back at you, Girl. It takes more strength to walk through the emotions than to sit by and let them smolder, in my opinion. It's kind of like, the only way to let it go "out," is to let it temporarily burn. So blaze away, honey, let it burn.
hugs,
b
WOW, I love this blog! You are all amazing. I remember my fear when I had a funny mammo last year and, even with that, I can't begin to imagine what you canser babes are going through. My good thoughts are with you all.
Kris, was finally able to collect CSC Tips from the shippers yesterday and I finished it this morning. WONDERFUL book! Beautiful to look at and even better to read. Haven't entrenched myself into a book like that since the final Harry Potter :-)
Deep breaths and peace to all
Stacey
Hi Everyone! I am new to the blog. I am twenty six years old, and was diagnaosed with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. Kris, you are my light. I first saw you on Oprah, I was having one of those days where all you want to do is cry; it was so bad that my job told me to go home early (that's how I was able to watch Oprah). I turn the TV on, and there you were. I bought your book that same night ( had to go to three Barnes & Noble's to get it). For the first 40 pages of the book you provided me with the companionship that it was oka to feel the way that I felt. I read those forty pages three times. Recently I was getting nervous about my first scan (it's in December, and I was already freaking out), and there you go posting about scans. Thank you sooo much because of your courage I am able to deal with my cancer, and not allow it to darken my life. You said it best make memories, and that is exactly what I intend on doing.
Thank you,
Mariely
PS. I have a friend who is a Profesor at the University of Hartford, and she uses your book as the textbook for her Health Class. YOU ROCK!!
I'd decided that from now on I was going to give lots of my time to people who make me happy, and then there you were grinning on Oprah.
Though reading a new blog wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I decided to connect more with happy folks, you've become one of my main happies. I not only come away from your posts feeling like I could kick some serious ass, I actually go do it.
When you next find yourself San Francisco, get in touch. I'd love to treat you to some juice, take you on a photo safari, and generally give you back some of the happy.
Thanks for everything.
-Maggie
I definitely agree with creativity.
I don't usually do this but when it comes to scans, I think 'food rewards' are nice :) especially if there was a fast!
I also do some meditating-ish thinking when I'm in the CT, MRI, bone scan, whatever it is...I also bring an uplifting CD to play.
http://iamobsessedwithlife.blogspot.com/
Love,
Rachel
I am not alone.
KRIS....thank you so much - for your honesty, faith, love, support and courage (and more)
You are like the center of ripples of water flowing ever outward! I will pray for you and wish with all my heart I could be at your teaching this week :-)
Your gifts are an amazing testimony of the strength of the human spirit and the strength of love!
There is so much to learn and I feel so blessed to learn alongside such amazing people! Thank you Kris for making this such an interactive and welcoming place for us to visit with you and each other.
Hi Kris,
I'm a fellow Brooklynite, and newbie to your blog. Mutiple Myeloma is my deal with a stem cell transplant under my belt, and a return to chemo and steroids after a disappointing short-lived 3 month remission. To say my body feels like a toxic waste land is the understatement of the century. Kris,I want you to know how much you have inspired me to take my life back from the beast. I feel like I have been holding my breath for 18 months and I'm EXHAUSTED!!!Your blog today could not have been more timely. So, as an old sage once said, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Today, I bought a juicer. Thank you Kris, and wish me luck as I learn to exhale!
Hi Kris...You have been a real inspiration to me! I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006; and then again in 2007. The first time I just felt grateful to be alive. The second time, I felt mostly angry and sad. Even though, I was told I was in the early stages each time...I felt like a ticking time bomb. I happened to catch your documentary the first time it aired and am convinced that "divine intervention" is responsible. Your show came at the exact right time for me. It was the shot in the arm that I needed. ...then I found this blog. I am learning so much. Right now, I'm focusing on nutrition. I don't really understand food combining and the acid/alkaline factors...but I figure that I'll learn more as I go. ...part of the process.
It's so nice to be able to come here, and not feel so alone. Thank you for sharing your story. I love your message!!!
someone said here I think it was stephe.. I am not alone.. no you are not.. you have a whole internet posse of crazy sexy cowgirls and boys.. fighitng and ready to pray and hold cyber hands.. through what ever may come. SO come back.
just letting everyone know. i survived the mexican resturant night and most precious girlfriend of all taunted me with margaritas for 99 cents... my brain was screaming but I made it. Salad.. had htem cut up my avacado, and veggies and load up the plate.. had a ball and didn't cave.. husband cutiepie folded like a fan and had a huge steak and all the wonderful mexican fixin's. I have to say I have felt so good I just dont care that the food is around. I am just thrilled to sleep and to have a peace and my insides are not always humming. No sugar high. So I passed.. whew.. hope you all had a great night.
Susan please write me again. Anyone is welcome. calliekyle@comcast.net. I cannot return your mail the address for email is incorrect I am sure I messed it up somehow. I hope you got my message. Callie
Wow! Just now finished reading all the posts from today...man this blog-is-a-hopin!...I just wanted to say all your posts are so beyond awesome! God bless all of you ;)
there is always victory in trials so keep pressing on! :)
2 Corinthians 6:9-10 "as unknown yet well-known, as dying yet behold, we live; as punished yet not put to death,
as sorrowful yet always rejoicing, as poor yet making many rich, as having nothing yet possessing all things."
scooter12Needed these words this morning. On my way to hear the latest pathology results. Thinking positively but am prepared for whatever the report is (I think).
Recovering from surgery last Friday. Eating/drinking green and other than discomfort, feel super fine. Thanks Kris!
Two months ago I had found a lump in my breast. I panicked and hoped it would go away because after losing my mom to breast cancer 2.5 years ago I was not ready for this journey again. Yesterday I had my first mammogram and ultrasound. I mediated between my tests and I'm happy to report that I was clear.
Yet, for the 12 years my mom was sick all I ever said was make it go away. we still had great memories and my mom lived fully. But, how true it is to cherish the moments rather than stress about the unknown. You live so healthy and are such a great example to all of us that may have fears about cancer. Thank you kris for your inspiration and your guidance.
Treat Cancer with Flavonoids:
www.treat-cancer.nl
Treat-Cancer.nl
(It's in theory a 100% cure for cancer)
Good Morning Everyone!
I hope you all slept well and dreamed buuterfly dreams. I am just checking in this morning. I was thinking about fear. Isn't it amamazing how the minute someone says cancer to you. The sheer definition of fear changes. Today before mission work I plan one hour of donated time. OH heavens to running over to my oncologist office and sitting and stricking up a conversation with who ever looks the most terrified. A cancer mercy trip. Give hugs.. reassurance if someone wants to talk and a face of some one who has survived. I hope it works. My husband said I was nuts. But I do these little excersizes with the homeless or in need in out area. Just go and give to the needy this way in some small part I am giving away some knowledge of where to go to get help. Even someone to take them. A hand to hold. Many people I bet don't want to bring a posse because they need to be strong for everyone else. I always laugh at my younger sister she is a hoot if she feels a chill you are welcome to fetch hot tea, blanket, can anyone say back and foot massage coming on.. not me.. I can do it myself handle anything.. Dont worry others. She is much healthier. So I will let you know how my experiment went. Maybe basic missions can fund some basic cancer support group... the face of my mission is changing in Jan. and my call keeps changing. So it is a living thing to me.. we will see. Wish me Luck. And have a blessed and veggie filled day with a prinkling of bubble bath and a ton of glitter. Hugs and Blessing Callie
justme117 and apmonkey,
Dr. Oz was on Oprah again early this week or last week (can't recall) for a show on aging, and he made his green drink on the air. It was definitely blended, not juiced. I was hoping that the recipe for the juice (which they put on Oprah's website) would provide info about that, but it just gives the ingredients and doesn't talk about how to make it. Here's what's in his drink:
http://www.oprah.com/health/oz/slide/20071105/oz_20071105_350_111.jhtml
One thing I wonder is whether I should add blended drinks during the day? I juice in the mornings and have a fair amount of salad/veggies most days. I do hate to waste the fiber of the veggies, but I understand that juicing is important..better than blending, right?
Good morning everyone!
I haven't juiced yet and I don't know what the pulp/fiber that remains looks like, so tell me if I am way off... but can you mix it into a pasta sauce or stew for some extra flavor? If not, rather than tossing it in the trash or thru the disposal, you can add it to a compost heap so that you can grow your own organic veggies in the spring!!
Hi Kris. Thanks for this post. Although I do not have cancer, there have been two deaths in my family from lung cancer (smoking.) Again, your blog just inspires me to live life. When I'm feeling stressed or down, I visit here to get a little boost and reminder to embrace everything. Thanks for everything.
Off to my scan! I re-read your post, Kris and I will try to replay it in my head while they put me in the tube. My sis in law will be with me too. We find out results tomorrow. Thank you to everyone for their inspiring words and wisdom. As Bav said to me, "The posse with with you the whole way." Or something like that, but you get the point. Thinking of Charleen and everyone else who is waiting for news today.
okay so this is several days late but I remembered a GREAT source of natural bath & body products: www.benedetta.com - they are awesome!
Hey Kris:)
Ijust love how you put it how it needs to be said, screw tact, just the facts and a good dose of humour. I am a 41yr old SURVIVOR!! 2 years ago Non-Hodgekin Lymphoma and Melanoma were removed from my body at the same time...Wholly Xmas Crackers! I got nuked as well and have been free ever since. I know that I have and will continue to do everything in my earthly power to remain radiantly healthy, the reat is up to The Big Kahuna.
I have scans for skin and NHL every 6 mos and I TRY not to flip out the week of and the week they make me wait for results:(. Using my Green Pharmacy, my yoga practice and believing with every fibre of my being that my God/Goddess and Guru have my back and that I AM OKAY gets me through. Today I am healthy, happy, loved and blessed with a totally hot and compassionate husband, amazing daughter who just turned 13(OYE VEY) and our pups! I love my careers, I am a Yoga Teacher, a Raw Foods Chef and Massage Therapist, I get to help people with canser as well and it's beautiful, they trust me cause they know I know. Thank you for your Blog, when I read it, it makes me laugh and indentify and feel indestructable. I see that you are in my state this week, not anxiety but Florida:) As fate would have it I am in NYC, I do live near Hippocrates are you comming back anytime soon? I'd love to share a hug and make you some fantastic gourmet raw foods:)
Love and Healing,
Joy
P.S. My scans aren't until Feb '08 so it's free time now and I just don't think about it..........too much:)
Quick Question... I'm trying to cut out all meats except fish. Is your husband a vegan? I'm about to move in with my boyfriend and he is a meat head. Do you have any advice on convincing him to eat healthier and/or working out our differences about eating?
I got the Skinny Bitch book you mentioned on here. I can't rave enough about it.
Hi Beautiful Chick Bloggers :)
Just a simple question, which Bev. model which you recommend. I think there's four different ones to choose from.
Del
Hey everyone =)
This is to Samantha...about the "c" coming back and just not being motivated to go to the docs.
Here's the thing...after my primary tumor was removed my Dr. said there's a 50/50 chance it will come back. Now I don't like to rely on numbers too much because everyone is different but...here's the thing..if it comes back you can catch it early! I'm not sure what you have but I think that the bright side of it coming back is that someone is going to be on top of it and ready to attack it quicker. My fabulous oncologist always says; "Lindsay it's a marathon, not a sprint." It takes TIME to get well...it takes great effort...just like it will take for me to get my degree!! But don't give up just because the stupid thing came back...it's a marathon... It's a flare up, not lets get it under control so you can get on with life. =)
Hi Kris –
I found out last May (during a routine mammogram) that I had breast cancer. Since I was feeling great, this came as a total shock.
Since then I have been through surgeries (4), chemo (2 different kinds), and radiation. I just finished all my treatments last week.
You are a HUGE inspiration to me.
I saw you on the Today show and before I could even buy your book, two of my friends gave it to me. I stayed up all night and read it in one sitting.
Your warmth, energy and enthusiasm are just what I need! You make me feel like I am not going through this alone. And you are making the same effort to sort through all the information out there to find the healthiest path for yourself and I am so glad that you are willing to share what you learn!
And I totally agree with you on the fresh food thing!! I was told to only eat thoroughly cooked food when I was on chemo. That is the only bit of medical advice that I completely ignored. I ate all the fresh organic food that I wanted. I did stop taking all supplements though. My chemo guy and radiologist both feel that the treatments are designed to destroy cancer cells. A certain level of destruction has to be reached before they feel they have eradicated those cells. If you take vitamins and antioxidants during that time, you might be helping cancer cells to rally as well as healthy cells. That argument made sense to me, so I didn’t take any supplements all through chemo and radiation, or for a couple of weeks after. I am ready to start back up with that stuff again as I heal and re-build my strength so I am very interested in all your recommendations of the things that work for you.
I have a list of things that I learned when I was going through treatment, and I wanted to share it just in case it can be help anyone who is facing the trials and tribulations of cancer and cancer treatments:
1. Gather up “trench buddies”
You know how when you go on a business trip you can form sudden intense friendships with the people you are there with? How you become close because you are all going through the same thing and supporting each other? Well, I call those “trench buddies”. I needed about a million of them as I went through the last few months. I have surgery trench buddies, chemo trench buddies, and radiation trench buddies.
Take every opportunity to talk with people who have already been through cancer, and to talk with people who are currently going through the same diagnosis that you have. On days when someone would approach me (I did not wear a wig, so people could easily tell that I was going through chemo) and tell me their survival story, I always took heart when I saw how great they were doing. And I met fellow patients at the doctor’s office, through friends, through the American Cancer Society and through my blog. Each of my chemo and radiation buddies acted as an anchor for me when I went through treatment. They understood everything that I was going through and how I felt, and they had great tips to share of things that they were trying.
Oh, I admit, there were times I was sad that someone approached me to talk about cancer because they saw my bald head (or to compliment me on the fabulous hats I wore that I friend made for me. She is coming to see me this week to teach me how to crochet hats for cancer patients – I am so excited about doing something to help people look good when they are bald, that was such a rough one for me). I just longed so much to be normal and to not think about it all the time. But every person who was brave enough to come forward and talk to me turned out to be warm, sweet, and wonderfully inspirational.
2. Do your research and communicate
Even before I read Kris’s book, I was researching everything! I researched all the conventional treatments. I had long lists of questions for my surgeon, my chemo guy, my radiologist. I researched every step of the way. I also researched diet, supplements, alternative therapies, ingredients in cosmetics…everything. Sometimes it was tiring, daunting and confusing, and sometimes I just wanted a freaking break from thinking about cancer all ready! But all that research and reading was good for me since every decision I made was an informed one, so by the time I took any treatment I knew why I was taking it, how it worked, and what it was doing for me. It also gave me a sense of hope and control, the research was something that I could do to cope with the immediate things I was going through and to plan for my future after treatment. It gave me positive things to focus on.
I also communicate like crazy with my doctors, I see them as part of my team and I know they can’t help me if they don’t know what’s going on. I may not tell them about EVERY symptom, but if something really bothers me, I pick up the phone and tell them about it, or I start a list of stuff to talk about at my next appointment. I don’t hide my emotions either; I am very open with them about my fears and anxieties. If you tell them how you are feeling, they can almost always do something to help you, so don’t suffer in silence, and don’t be confused, if you don’t understand something – ask!! There were times that I made my doctors break out a marker and start drawing pictures for me, so I could fully understand, and they were always very willing to do that for me.
3. Be patient with yourself
You are going to have hard days, you are going to go through whirlwinds of emotions, you might make decisions to make big changes in your life, and your normal routine is going to go straight out the window. Be kind to yourself as you go through it. Cheer for yourself, root for yourself, encourage yourself. And make all your changes at a pace that is comfortable for you. If you are a junk food junkie and you want to become a green goddess, that’s great, but you sure don’t have to do it all in one day. Make the changes at your own positive, supportive pace.
4. Seek healers
I started seeing a healer lady during chemo. She uses Reiki and Body Talk and a few other techniques. I see her once a month and she is so good for me! During each session, I spend the time checking in with my body, focusing on areas that need attention, supporting and healing. This is such a positive and refreshing thing for me, and it is a tremendous help to me as I go through each treatment and the healing process to recover from it. I also see a chiropractor (though not while I was on chemo, I literally felt too “brittle” to go), and an acupuncturist. Acupuncture has been helping me sleep better, relax more and it has reduced the hot and cold flashes that were making me miserable. I also get massages whenever I can and the occasional manicure and pedicure just because I feel totally pampered when I do.
5. Allow your friends and family to help
These people love you and want to help you, so let them. Some of your friends may not be able to cope with your illness and they may fade from your life temporarily. Others will step up to the plate, stand by your side, and amaze you.
6. Stay active and vital
I stayed active by continuing to work. I only went into the office a day or so a week, and worked from home the rest of the time (I’m a writer so I have the kind of job that I could still do through treatment), but it gave me a purpose, a sense of normalcy, and a real lifeline while I went through treatment. If your job is not your passion or you just can’t do it during treatment and you go on disability, then revel in it! Sleep in, take long baths! Go out to lunch with friends.
I also found a lot of comfort in continuing to do things for others. I would buy little treats for my friends and leave them on their desk at work, or keep them in a little bag waiting for the next time they visited. I did not have much energy, and did not get out much, but I managed to still do this pretty often.
I joined a knitting/crocheting group. We make things for the needy. Even on my worst day, I could spend a moment crocheting and imagining the scarf I was making keeping someone warm. That did my heart good.
I also started a blog. At first, I did it just so friends and family could look in on me. But it evolved to be so much more than that. It became the place where I could pour my heart out; I could say anything I wanted about how I was doing, what I was feeling. I needed that outlet. I also use it to share all the good things that I learn from other people and to pass on tips, tricks and encouragement to anyone else facing illness or adversity. I also use it to fill in gaps. For instance, I could not find good descriptions anywhere of what radiation treatments felt like, or of what it was like to get your portacath removed. So when I went through those things, I described them in detail so other people could know what to expect. It means a lot to me that my sharing my experiences just may help someone else. You are welcome to check it out at: http://highlifethrills.blogspot.com/
Just do what you can to continue to be a part of the world. I found staying home and going through treatments really isolating, and working, time with friends, and doing as many “normal” things as possible really helped me.
Well, those are my tips and word or encouragement for all of my fellow “chemo hotties” (Oh, yes, that is what I call myself! You can put me through whatever treatment you want, baby, but I’ve still GOT it! LOL)
Thank you so much for all you are doing, Kris to spread love, light, and encouragement! You are wonder, a treasure, an inspiration!
Slayer, I wasn't going to say anything, because I think what I am going to say may really put you off, but I have too, I'd hate to see you laying in a cancer unitl with unoperabale, uncurable colon, breast, pancreative,lung and every other type of C you can imagine, because you didn't think it necessary to get screen. Don't fool yourself, unscreened cancer will spread to every part of your body. and no matter how healthy you care, how well you take care of yourself it can happen and with the genectic precursers you have, you really have to be ultra-aware of this. Lance Armstrong was as healthy and non-symtomatic as the come, and he not only had testicular cancer, but it HAD spread to his brain!! Im sorry to sound so harsh, but I want every Cowgirl in this blog to stay with us for a long long time. Take Care, Be Blessed, and PLEASE Get Scanned. Susan
Try This:
www.treat-cancer.nl
Treat-Cancer.nl
Crazy Sexy Questions from comments:
1.Kay asked:
Would you mind putting up a list of your symptoms of the type of cancer you had before you knew? Also, if anyone has questions, how do they contact you - besides posting here?
2. Jaime asked:
Hope you don't mind me being off topic: I've been wanting to purchase a yoga mat so I can attand a yoga class with my friend. I've been looking around for one that is made of good materials. I saw the gaiam one on the crazysexycancer homepage but the Gaiam site didn't mention what the mat was made of. So I emailed customer service. I was surpised at the response:
"Hello,
I'm wondering if you can tell me what your yoga mats are made of?
Jamie
>>
Thank you for your inquiry. Our yoga essentials mat is made of PVC.
We also have yoga mats in alternative materials, shown here:
http://www.gaiam.com/retail/3/YogaEcoTools
Regards,
Gaiam.com Customer Service
<<----
PVC?! I didn't expect that. Looks like their eco ones are ok but I was surprised. Does anyone have any other recommendations for a mat that is not made with PVC and/or doesn't contain chloride? We have a lululemon store here and I know that their mats are non-toxic materials but SO pricey. :|
3. Justme117 asked:
I had asked about that 21 day fast you did and you reffered me to Dr. Youngs book. I am a little confused now though..... if you have the time I was wondering if you could email or comment or something with kind of an outline on what to do and maybe some examples of recipes or just what you did
4. Sweetie aka Cathy asked:
one quick juicer question - which vitamix do you recommend?
5. Bav asked:
Kris, maybe we should make a "scan CD" especially for canSer babes and dudes to listen to during tests?? What do you think?
6. Charleen asked:
I know attitude plays such an important part in our healing process both physically, emotionally and mentally but when is it ok to give ourselves permission to have a melt down? How can a strong cowgirl be weak? Another question...although one appears to be strong to others, hiding some of our saddness, what does it take to successfully peel back the layers that protect us and let our spirit be free. Free to live and be truly happy?
7. Mel asked:
One thing I wonder is whether I should add blended drinks during the day? I juice in the mornings and have a fair amount of salad/veggies most days. I do hate to waste the fiber of the veggies, but I understand that juicing is important..better than blending, right?
8. Barbara asked:
I'm trying to cut out all meats except fish. Is your husband a vegan? I'm about to move in with my boyfriend and he is a meat head. Do you have any advice on convincing him to eat healthier and/or working out our differences about eating?
The end.
fyi: I'm only doing this when I have the time, so if anybody else feels like doing it feel free!!
Thanks for this post Kris. It's just what I needed today.
Susan
I know you meant well with your post but I have got to say I don't response well to scare tactics. I think what we are all taking about here is scary enough and I am not sure I need someone telling me I am fooling myself. I think fooling myself would be if I came here and said that I was constipated for weeks and then when I went it was black as tar, or that I had blood coming out or that I would never go for screening but I never said that. I came here to seek advise not be told what to do and that I am too foolish to know what is at stake!
Yes Lance Armstrong very physically fit, but do you know him personally and what he did on a day to day bases?
Thank you for trying to get your point across but it could have been less harsh!
Slayer
Susan
One other thing. Have you not read Lance's book? He had symptoms that would have freeked the hell out of me. He was puking blood, and his testicles where the size of grape friuts.
He had HUGE symptoms
Becky - How did it go?? I'll keep prayin for you sistah! I got my results this morning, thanks to my oncologist homeboy that isn't even treating me.... Like Kris, my tumors have clearly taken up residence in a place they quite frankly shouldn't be. I still have the 25 or so tumors in my liver, but they are stable. WhooHoo! I was hoping they would shrink just a little since I've had so many side effects from this experimental chemo drug I'm on, but no such luck. I was also taken off the trial drug for the 3rd time because of the side effects, the worse being my blood pressure. I've already been reduced to the lowest dose possible, so in a way I'm hoping they take me off of it for good. Kris and I have the same cancer and learned upon dx that there is no cure nor any known effective treatment. I'm good with stable. Hec, I'd love to have a little bit of stability in my life right now:) I'd like to just focus on the alternative....peace and veggies. Oh and some good regular exercise too!
All - Can you believe that everything we've been chatting about is all over the news. Everywhere you turn now someone is reporting about alternative healing, chemicals in our overly processed foods, organic fruits and veggies and on and on.... it's like there's a new movement taking the country by storm and it's AWESOME!!
Wonderful, just beautiful.
Sometimes, I think you have to vent that negativity to get rid of it. But don't let it control, give it a time limit and scream or cry or whatever method you need to get it out of your system, and then get some hugs from someone you love. That's one of the things that works for me.
I know this may sound odd but I was worried about Slayer. I am worried about everyone here sick but I am a bit concerned that maybe this total immersion is unhealthy.
Fear is negative. Live spelled backward is evil. If we live in fear we create a community that cannot flourish. I truley beleive that as human we are mean to live... that is all... be present.
I am so grateful that Slayer is so intuned with her life and so epathetic to those here and around her that she has her anntena up and is careful.
I work with people eveyday that have AIDS, TB, hepitis, name it..Each person I hug or touch reminds me .. be careful callie.. don't get yourself sick now "I have this.. " So I can manage my immune system and stay healthy. I know everyone here wants the same for those of us that gather to chat and blog.
Slayer I am so glad you are here and visiting with us.. let the fear go..dont' fall for we are all gonna get it so join the club drumbeat.. you are what all of us need here. A person who is an informed and sensitive advocate. So stay well. And on the subject of those Dr.s that dont talk. Fire him.. your paying him.. I have fired many all you need is a lipstick and that white paper tissue we all have to sit on that sits on the exam table.. Sorry doc... you don't cut the mustard.. in bright pink.. will send the message.. haha.. Although you will get a phone call haha..I know that from being tested..haha Call aheah talk to nurses and the staff if the nurses complain that they are always having to stay late.. You got a winner.. a talker.. if not just keep right on searching so when you feel like it and you get screened then you will have info to help all the surviviors fight this monster. We need those caregivers out there and the caregivers need to know that we appreciate the struggle and the terror of seeing someone suffer. My husband has ALS and when he first got sick I thought that my every cough was something terrible. Now I am a fierce unafraid fighter...Patient rights..cancer of course, ALS, Dumb-ass doctors and many things..
You are your best reassurance... check the mirror that woman in ther loves you and will take the best care of you possibile if you let her and find nuggets of help here and there and leave the rest.
Hugs, Glitter and Peace. Callie
Mel ~ thanks for that link! :) yeah I guess he does blend it- the only reason I thought it was juiced was because it looked so thin, and it was so bright green...The fiber makes things look so thick and darker... I know I hate throwing the fiber away... I also think eating the fiber is very good too- we got to find a balance... The skins of these veggies contain other beneficial stuff too, its hard to believe theres no beneficial agents to our body besides just fiber..A compose garden - yeah I was thinking of that too :) I'd love to grow my own Perslane and other stuff.. (Perslane was that other weird greens on the show) My mom always would go out to the hills, road sides etc. and pick it fresh, it looks like a weed, and grows everywhere like a weed, but its soooo good for you..My mom has been telling me to pick or grow some Perslane for years! lol! Anyway, that was a really good show...I gonna buy some of those cleaning products they had on, and also some of those house plants he said that helps clean the air in your house-- Do you remember what they where? I remember the Spider plant, and wasn't the other one a Philodendron? theres one more I forgot...except I need to find out the names for sure though...also I NEED to make sure they aren't toxic plants to my cats. There are soooo many houseplants that can kill your cats.
Slayer & Susan ~
as an innocent bystander lol, I don't see Susan's post to you as harsh, or a scare tactic, she's just speaking the truth with love sweetie...no worries :) we're all here to encourage each other, and to live each day to the fullest, to be healthy, and be the best we can be! and to talk about juicers lol!, non toxic make-up lol! evil dairy lol! and other fun stuff! :) lol! and looks like
Kris' next post will be about poop! lol! funstuff! enjoy the ride :)
Charleen, thanks for asking. but first,I am thrilled that they are stable!!!! yay! wow you must feel relieved. So on with the greens and away you go living your life. YAY!
I don't know yet. I will know tomorrow at 10am. Tonight is my littlest girl's birthday so I'm wrapping presents and we're havin' a party. Funny, I got to the hospital right on time with my sis in law like I had planned. The nurse came out to say they were ready and and and....I FORGOT TO DRINK THE STUFF!!! I just laughed. The nurse luckily laughed and gave me more stuff and I went xmas shopping with said sis in law til 2. The tech couldn't have been nicer. I only shed one tear and I remembered all of my friends, family and cancer cowgirls were out there and I took a deep deep breath.
I'll know tomorrow. Have a nice night!
Slayer, I am sorry!! I did not mean to be harsh, I really just wanted to be realistic. Your right, I do not know Lance Armstrong and I know nothing about your situation. I did say what I said out of concern and from a loving point. None of what I said was meant as a scare tatic. As Kris says take what you need and leave the rest. Again I am sorry and I hope we can chat about other things. Kris' poop blog should be interesting. :) Stay Well, and Be Blessed. Susan
Susan you are the best Love you thanks for the new friendship!!! Callie
Hi Im new here
What I try to do is stay positive!!Remember, we attract what we fear. My thought is, I'm never going to know whether cancer will re-visit me so why not stay positive because it just makes me feel better. Love and Light to you all. Baboo
ps. does anyone know if wheatgrass is gluten free?
welcome, annette! we love new members to the posse!
b
Hey apmonkey,
You are right about the two plants that help clean the air-- spider plants and philodendrons. The third one was golden pothos. I'd like to get these too--gotta find out if they are okay with my cat as well!
I've been making my own cleaning product lately and find it works great for cleaning surfaces in the kitchen. I basically just use an old empty spray bottle and put in some baking soda, vinegar, borax powder, a little non-toxic dish soap or castille soap, couple drops tea tree oil, several drops of a favorite essential oil (I'm really loving ylang ylang right now) and hot water. Shake, and you're good to go. It's a good all-purpose cleaner. My mom came over and was shocked at how well it worked on the stove top.
I also experimented with making my own baby wipes this week (I don't have a baby, but use them instead of those Charmin wipe thingies). I LOVE them. I took an old wipes box, folded a bunch of select-a-size paper towels into thirds and put them in and then made my own concoction using filtered water, pure olive oil soap (just a bit), Burt's Bees bath oil, and some ylang ylang. They turned out fantastic, and I think probably way cheaper than buying the store kind, and definately less chemical-filled.
Just thought I'd share my experimentations...
:) Melissa
First of all, I'm sending good vibes for everybody who's having scans.
I had a bad day yesterday and I'm a little mystified by it. Maybe some of you can tell me: As you get deeper into the juicing/raw foods/alkaline lifestyle, is there such a thing as psychological detox?
I mean, I know the physical detox symptoms that have hit me at various stages of cleaning up my diet: headache, nausea, fatigue. I feel like I had the equivalent of that, but emotionally.
All day, I felt negative, insecure, panicked about past mistakes, fearful about the future. It was mostly job related--a big load of fear and insecurity about my education and skill level in today's market, even though I'm very well-employed by a company that values me very much. It's true there have been some negative messages lately in terms of the economy and the direction of the company, but it was like I had to have a day of processing and self-pity and I'm fairly certain that if I'd not chosen my job to focus on, I would've found something else.
My dark mood was so pervasive and deep that I wondered if it was hormonal--even though I'm not a PMS getter, I actually checked the calendar to see if I could be premenstrual. No-o-o-o.
Today, I woke up totally over it. In fact, I've had a great day. Have felt emotionally open and patient and confident and fear-free.
Has anyone else experienced emotional detox symptoms?
i put your story and picture up on my inspiration wall, and i feel empowered everytime i look at it. thanks for causing me to remember to live.
Anne - We all have those days. Sometimes a good hard cry, the kind that leaves your nose stuffy and your eyes puffy, followed by a hot bath with bubbles and mood music does the soul good. So long as you don't make a habit out of "one of those days" you're doing good. Just remember to be good to yourself:)
Becky - I hope you had a great time with your daughters birthday celebration! Don't forget to update us tomorrow on your scan. My prayers are with you:)
Hello All:
First let me say that Kris and all of you are such an inspiration to anyone -- even those not facing a health challenge!
I am new to this site and have been in the cancer trenches since Sept. 2006. Although I have a rare-form of colo-rectal cancer that strikes the anus (lovely!), it was supposed to be pretty responsive to treatment (chemo and radiation over a 6-week period).
Well, for some reason my cancer cells are tenacious and the pesky buggers returned after treatment. Unfortunately, this recurrence required an involved surgical procedure (i.e., a colostomy) plus additional chemo. Well, six weeks after surgery and right before chemo was to begin, my cancer was back again. I've had four rounds of chemo and start additional radiation on Monday of next week.
As all of you know, cancer is a scary journey that none of us signed up to take. However, along the way, we find ways of coping and dealing with the gravity of situation as we incorporate this unwelcome visitor into our lives. I just wanted to share what I do to calm fears and get through scans and waiting for results.
First, I plan for my hopes and dreams and not my fears. There is no time like now to start living.
Second, I try to my hardest to stay in the present and not look too far down the cancer road. The following site has some guided imagery cds/files that you can download to an i-pod and take with you on scanning days or listen to during those down periods. www.healthjourneys.com
Third, I allow myself a specific time each day when I can cry, and get angry. After I get it all out, I return to my center of positivity and forge on with the rest of the day. (This is easier said than done on most days!) It's really important to let those feelings out.
Fourth, I can't control my cancer but I can control other things in my life. I treat myself to acupuncture a couple times a week (this really helps with chemo nausea), and I build my immune system with all the good tips offered by Kris on this site and in her book. I figure if I create an inhospitable environment (via healthy living) for my unwanted visitor, it will no longer want to stay at the inn!
Thanks to all of you and I apologize for such a lengthy post.
Mary
Bav, Oh shucks, I'm not the good one you are..:0 It was great talking to you on the ph remember to call if ya'll need any help. Jeff had to work tomorrow so I will be free until at lest 2:30pm give me a call if can be of any assistance. it ws just so cool to connect with a cowgirl in real Life, I totallly enjoyed our conversation. Ladies keep posting you really never know who you will me in here, Callie and came to the realization that we live within blocks of each other. How cool!! Stay stay, Take care And Bel Bless, everyone, Love to all, Susan
Hi Kris. I watched your documentary and also saw you on Oprah. Your positive energy is infectious. =) My family and I recently found out that my dad has a rare form of cancer (Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma). My family and I will keep you in our prayers. You are an amazing human being. Cheers, Monika Tanedo (San Francisco Bay Area)
You are absolutely an amazing person! I am so in awe of your strength! Really, you help more than you know. Not just people with cancer but your philosophy on life is so true! Glad that I ran into your name, television shows, and website.
Mel ~
Well bummer looks like the philodendrons and golden pothos are toxic to cats.....but at least the spider plants are safe!! :) spider plants here we come! lol!
I also always check various websites to double/triple check to make sure all plants on the lists are correct.. Every now and then when I have looked up a plants over the years I have seen contrasting results between one toxic list and another... So always visit various websites to make sure- better to be safe than sorry :)
here's one place I always go to..( I have already double checked theses plants with another site too)
NON TOXIC PLANTS TO CATS
http://www.cfainc.org/articles/plants-non-toxic.html
TOXIC PLANTS TO CATS
http://www.cfainc.org/articles/plants.html
Thanks for the cleaning info, sounds good, and the baby wipes- nice ideas!
Do you happen to know of plain ole' "Dawn" is toxic?
And Hello to all the newcomers today! :)
Hi Kris! I admired your bravery and your will to fight it no matter what! I strongly believe that our will to live will pull us through bad times.
Here's a quote from a Buddhist monk: Treat the positive
and the negative
with a positive attitude.
- Master Sheng Yen
When you add the negative
to the negative, only the negative grows.
Best regards
SO friggin proud of my best friend. I love you Kris. We cannot wait to see you when you come back. This blog is astounding.
Mara, Eli and little Vera. (she is dyig to see her auntie)
Hi Kris,
I don't have cancer, nor do I have any disease that has forced me to face the bigest of all issues. However, I've been struggling with an eating disorder for years.
I just wanted to let you know that your documentary and your blog are great inspirations to me on my daily struggle towards self love and health. Ka-ching, ka-splat. You remind me that I'm not alone.
Thank you so much!!!
Dan
New York, NY
Hi Gang! I am in a trench of meetings at LAF so I don't have time for a new post this morning or time to answer the questions. Rrrrrr. Fasting: that's a whole post so I will throw it on the list. Fiber vs. juice: we gotta clear this one up - entire post, but I'll give you a hint. Crank up the juicer, vitamix gets love too, absolutely, but your juicer is the top chef.
Is my hubby vegan - nope and I don't push him because I like marriage. We don't cook flesh in the house though, good compromise for us. But remember, you don't have to be 100% to see benefits.
Slayer - Girrrrrl, don't leave crazy sexy big mama because of this post. Honey, you take the best and leave the rest. I LOVE your sass and fire. I'm a wimp at times when I want to get shit off my chest, it festers and clogs me up. Not you. You just taught us a great lesson in boundaries sistah. I know that we all love and support each other -use your intuition and speak with God/Goddess on your tongue. When I read all the Slayer posts 2 things happened: 1. I got hives! Worried about Slayer. 2. I clapped at all the glorious big love & passion on this bog, all the caring, concern and heart felt humanhood flowing electronically.
Slayer will be fine no matter what road she chooses. Remember, rivers ain't meant for pushin'.
OK, off to take notes and learn how to turn this blog community into a national posse support group. I got big plans for ya'll. 2008 is gonna rock!!!!
Big love and hugs and mounds of smiles,
K
Ps. Charleen - You are my CanSer soul sister mama! Stability....Ahhhh.....I can teach you a few tricks on making peace with that. Chronic. For the past week my husband and I stopped calling it canSer. Now we call it chronic. It's funny. "I have chronic" What ever works. It's the next level in my onion peeling.
More soon gang, off to plan our cowgirls and chaps future. Thank you Lance!
Good morning ladies and gents!
apmonkey-
I'm not really sure about regular dish washing liquid. My main concern is with how drying they are to my hands. Over the past several months, I've noticed the palms of my hands of many more fine lines than they should (I'm only 33). Hundreds of lines! It's weird. Also, my palms prune as soon as they touch water, which never happened before and my fingertips are more sensitive to heat. I haven't mentioned this to my doctor yet, because when I do go to the doctor, it's always for something else, and I forget about this little nuisance. I do wonder what's wrong that's causing my body to react this way. For years, I had a small spot like this on the side of my index finger; then, one day, poof--my entire palms are affected. It's not really something anyone else would notice, until I point out all the fine lines.
Anyway, I had a hard time finding the ingredients in Dawn. Here is a partial list. Apparently some of the ingredients are guarded trade secrets:
water, sodium lauryl sulfate, sodium pareth-23, sulfate C-12-14-16, dimethyl amine oxide, SD alcohol, undeceth-9, propylene glycol, cyclohexandiamine, polyacetate, protease, fragrance, FD&C blue, no phosphate
They don't use phosphates, which is good, as that is apparently an environmental hazard. Many of these other ingredients appear to be surfactants and such. I'd like to do more research on them when I have time...
I recently bought a new dish washing liquid called "Method" that recently became available in my local grocery. It's ingredients are:
blend of naturally derived and biodegradable surfactants
corn alcohol
table salt
citric acid
light stabilizer
aloe vera gel
vitamin e
fragrance oil blend
preservative (under 0.1%)
color
purified water
It cost about 5 dollars for a bottle comparable in size to other liquids. I honestly can't say how much better healthier/better is than products like Dawn; its ingredients certainly appear to be less harsh, and better for the environment, but who knows. It works great, and it seems to be less drying to my skin so far...but I try not to submerge my hands in it either. I'm also using Burts Bees hand soaps now, which was the only paraben/phalate free soap among all the organic soaps I could find locally. I keep one in the kitchen, too, so I am not tempted to wash my hands with dish soap when cooking. But that's just me, and my wonky dry hands...
Here's the website for Method products. I just noticed they have this great starter "detox" kit for only $28. Would be a great Christmas gift. I use and love their shower spray. I also use the cleaning wipes for counters and wood. I like both. I plan to start making my own cleaning wipes, though, using their nifty container, once I run out. lol. I'm impressed with their products so far, and they are cheaper than the stuff I've seen at my local health food store.
http://www.methodhome.com/products.php?cat=type&type=kit&prod=detox_kit&name=detox_kit
Request for all you sassy awesome encouraging ppl!
Would ppl mind sending me their recipes? I am going to search the site for ones that ppl have posted but I think this would be easier (i'm lazy I guess *smiles*) If you all like I can keep a list and then post them as well. I don't have a juicer yet (working on the cash flow)
Also, I'd love if someone could send me an example of their daily meals. I am confused as to when to juice, what to eat for other meals all that stuff. I guess I'm scared I'm gonna be hungry and then just grab bad food on the go.
My email: fray.adjacent@gmail.com
Thanks for anyone that sends info my way!
Thanks for the plant info. I have a couple of pothos plants and my cat actually chopped a leaf off the other day (he's never touched my plants before!). He seems ok but I'm gonna have to be more careful. Especially b/c I have some stuff in the soil to kill those little flies - don't know where they came from!
Cooper - Some other less toxic and enviro-friendly brands I've come across are Nature Clean and Ecover. I found them at an organic store.
I have an MRI on next week and then get to here about the treatment plan. Oh Whee! :)
Want to thank you for your book. I bought a copy last week, at the University of Iowa hospital book store, after finally getting a diagnosis. It felt so good to laugh about this for once.
Like you I have a sarcoma, angiosarcoma. I am still finding my way.
Amazing as always...
I just wanted to update you with my daughters progress, I took her to have a needle core biopsy and the tumor was benign...
Susan
There is no need for sorrys. I do understand that you what you wrote came from your heart which is all that anyone can ask for. I should have not taken it so hard.
Thank you for caring enough to help me with my indecision.
Slayer
The National Institutes of Health maintain a database of chemicals in all kinds of household products. The information seems to be supplied from manufacturers and product labels.
There's only partial info for a lot of products. Still, it's a rather comprehensive database. You can look up anything from kitty litter to printer ink cartridges.
http://householdproducts.nlm.nih.gov/products.htm
Kris
Thank you for having such a great site where people can come and chat with others.
Sometimes it is hard to hear what you are not ready to hear. But I want to thank everyone for writing me back a post because I have taken in what each of you have said and I am very greatful that people I do not know have taken the time to help me.
Slayer
Basic me -
as i was reading your post, I was reminded (once again) how the cancer community has touched my life. I agree with so much of what you said, and how everyone here is so awesome. When I saw what you wrote about "jaimie", I thought, does she mean me, or the other jamie, and I thought, it doesn't matter! We're all so awesome here! :) When I was going through my HSIL at sloan, I would meet amazing people in the waiting room, or when I would go places with the LAF.....I have made friends for life. There is a certain depth to people in these situations, an unspoken understanding....a sensitivity, maybe. I can't find the right words! :( But it is soooooo inspiring, and so refreshing and invigorating. It helps keep me motivated to work in oncology. Every day, I have to remind myself of this when I start feeling helpless, or question my career path......the hope is infectious.
be well.
jaime
CanSer Soul sister Kris, Please teach me all your wisdom about making peace with "stable". I've been doing lots of thinking and praying and I'm doing ok with it, so far that is.... Don't know that the doctors are going to decide, but I know I don't want to continue with the study. I wonder if I'm making a mistake, but I'm putting all my faith where faith belongs...in God. I want to focus on controlling what I can in my life and if all that I do keeps my "chronic" stable, then I'm good with that:) Since you and I have the same chronic, please share with me all you wisdom so I can live the beautiful life too.
Becky, How did it go this morning???
Hi Kris and all y'all!
Does anyone who is raw have the experience of too much energy to sleep? I am 3 weeks raw today and boy, my mind will not stop going...I go to bed early so I get 9-11 hours (optimum for immune system health) but I get where I feel like I almost have too much energy at night!!!!
I did yoga last night, that helped...crazy but most of my life I HAD to nap and now I can't slow down! Where is the control switch!!?
btw, got my first green ph strip in the am-what a great feeling to be 7.0!!
Debbie
CLL survivor with a Chronic case of LIFE!
Hi Kris and everybody, i am fairly new here although i have posted some comments in the past. My mom has CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia) i believe one of the bloggers here has CLL as well (debbie)..and i have been soaking up all the valuable info here. I read everyday new things and its quite amazing. I do have a juicer and have been using it everyday. I love it and i even got my mom to drink the green stuff every morning!!
Callie: I bought the pumpkin 3 in 1 from bath and body works but haven't used it yet!! Now i am so looking forward to using it. I've also used Method's products and like them as well.
Thanks everybody for all you do here! I hope i can join in, in the fun!!
Michelle
Hi everyone! Got the results from my scan today! First I am so glad we did it in person. So, there is shrinkage!!!! Each tumor went down by 1 centimeter, the one near my pancreas is comopletely gone and the doc said that he and the radiologist agree that they don't look as bright as they have which could mean they are less active. Well, bright around the edges. He said that may not neccessarily be right, but he is an optimist. So, a babystep, but a step!!!! So, I came home and completely crashed. I cannot believe how tired I am right now. I was trying to be so calm yesterday and today that it just about wiped me out! :) So tonight my hubby and I are going out to dinner and I am going to have me a big GREEN salad and a nice martini. How's that for a little contrast. I just had a big piece of chocolate cake too! And then back to the healthy greens. I so believe that this is helping, along with the excercise and positive thoughts. On to the next. Thank you for thinking of me, Charleen, Bav and everyone.
And Charleen, it sounds right to me that you are listening to God and your heart. Whatever you do, we'll be cheering you on.
I have heard from some of the girls in my thyroid cancer posse that spinach does a number on the uptake of synthroid. Which is bad news bears, cause if it doesn't work, I'm like a zombie...literally, only minus the brain eating part. Has anyone else heard this?? I'm new to juicing and I know I need to add more green...is kale in the same family as spinach? Any ideas what else I can add besides cukes and celery?
Becky- I'm so happy to hear the GREAT news! Isn't it amazing how emotionally taxing this whole canSer thing can be?!?! I love the salad/martini contrast...oh, and the chololate cake...Yumm! Right up my alley sistah! You gave me an idea for dinner tonight:) Sleep, relax, induldge and enjoy...you deserve it!
Hey Michelle, Your mom is so lucky to have you for a daughter... if you don't cure her you will for sure make her life better and longer-BELIEVE in the Greens!
Try reading the Simontens Getting Well, I do the visualization/relaxation 3x a day. I visualize the loopy dumb lost leukemia cells, like gray discs, floating in my healthy blood, then my killer white sharks (my killer cells) come and rip them apart into dust...then I go on to visit each birthday I WILL have, starting at 60(i,m 48 now) blowing out my candles every five years, seeing my milestones, seeing me healthy, strong and teaching others how to do this disease in..all the way to 100 when my now old lady kids cannot keep up with me on a hike!!!
It helps so much, all us chronic chicks can use this to chill the fear and up the courage big time!!
Tell your mom she is not alone and guess what, chronic means it is NOT an emergency and today, all is well and you are alive so live like you mean it!
love Debbie Chronic Liver of Life
PS My Onc,s Prognosis of 7-10 years MY ASS!! I don't buy it.
CanSer Cowgirls, I just came across a wonderful verse from Psalm 131
“… I don't concern myself with matters too great or awesome for me …” We are free to live out our purpose when we relinquish control of the things that don’t belong to us in the first place. Such as -- worry about things over which we have no control; or trying to control something we have no business trying to control.
With all the blogersations going on, I thought this was so very appropriate...
Becky,
Great news! Enjoy your evening out, especially that martini!
Cheryl
Congrats to all you fine healthy cowgirls!
Hi All!
Becky, as per our phone conversation earlier, wooohoooo! I have been on such a high after talking to you, I am just so incredibly pleased at your news. Celebrate, Girl, it is your time.
Callie, thank you so much for your kind compliment. Things have been a bit rough at my end, so that was a much needed boost. Hugs.
Anne - YES! Emotional detox included. Personally, I believe all the toxic crap that builds up in our body affects a most sensitive organ that we know oh so little about, the brain. I absolutely think that as you go through the process you may have "releases" of emotional crap from time to time. Your brain is being cleansed, just as everything else is as you detox, and all that emotional memory is stored up there. As you continue with the lifestyle, this will eventually dissipate, so hang in there. In the meantime, when that happens, find what works for you in getting over the hump. For me, it's surfing. Always lifts me up, connects me with nature, which for me, is connecting with my spirit.
Slayer, one last comment on your colon screening, my friend. A compromise I often make with people who for whatever reason do not want to get screened - stool cards. You take 'em home, (ok, this next part is gross, sorry) smear a little poop on them, and mail them back to your doctor. Everything you need is included in the stool card kit. It tests for microscopic blood, (blood you can't see with the naked eye), which is often the first sign of a problem. Don't know if this seems like the same thing as a big invasive test to you or not, but it is often a great alternative. You get screened, but it is only a little poop smearing!!
I forget who was asking about recipes, but check one of Kris' previous posts, she lists a bunch of her favorite recipes right in the original post.
Ok, tired, time to unwind and relax. I think of you all during my day, I am always sending you much love and light.
b
Kris, I loved the post about coffee. I've had no problem cutting out coffee, meat, or dairy, but white sugar? Man, that addiction is strong.
I had a revelation with the help of my therapist (herself a canser cowgirl & juicing vegan). She said she knew of a cowgirl who refused to give up on her MickyD's. She embraced all other healing methods - meditation, yoga, etc., but loved, and I mean loved, her fast food. She would sit and enjoy her burger & fries and just feel that she was nourishing herself with each bite. And the key words in that last sentence are "enjoy" and "nourish" - there was no guilt, just the knowledge that she was taking care of herself and not depriving herself of anything. And, yes, she outlived all predictions.
Now, the lesson that I take from that story is NOT to run out and embrace fast food per se, but to embrace your non-perfection (something I've never been good at - no wonder it doesn't come any easier when dealing with illness). So now I take myself out for a monthly baked good/sugary treat fix. My November treat was a slice of chocolate cream pie at my favorite diner. I sat at the counter & chatted with the waitresses & loved every bite. No guilt. Back to veggies with a side of whole grains for dinner, but that slice of pie will carry me through to next month...
Bav, we met at the "Cancer Stinks Happy Hour" at Una. You tried to convince me to play hookey & head to NY with you. I declined for a job interview. I got the job, but still regret passing up the offer. Hope to see you at the next get-together...
I love juicing with carrots and apples together. It is really good! I haven't done a lot of greens. I will try soon though. I have your book Kris so I will get information from there. Thanks for your book. I am 4 year stage IV colon cancer. Sue
MIRIAM,
I tried emailing you, but yahoo keeps sending it back to me saying I have wrong address!
So glad to hear about job, that was one of my questions for you. Congratulations!
If you want, email me, bav68@yahoo.com
Big hugs,
b
Kris,
you are an inspiration to those diagnosed and those not yet diagnosed...you have come up in at least 5 conversations with people I have run across in several different cities in the last 2 weeks (in Oklahoma of all places). You go girl!
I keep your book by my bedside :)
Mel ~ wow great links! thanks! :) phosphates...do products that contain it actually say "phosphates" on the label? or do they label and hide it by something we cant even pronounce?lol
Oh and kitty liter -lol- ahhh a subject near and dear to my heart lol! Have you tried swheat scoop?
It's AWESOME ! No nasty clay (who wants to breath that crap in!) no chemicals of any kind, all it is -is wheat lol! and the beautiful thing about it is- it ACTUALLY CLUMPS AND WORKS WOOO HOOO! I have tried so many 'natural' cat liters over the years and they all sucked! Swheat scoop is awesome, you gotta try it :)
http://www.swheatscoop.com/
I just bought another bag of it, 40 pound bag for $24 bucks and its worth every penny... I buy it at the healthy pet stores, oh and some Petsmarts, and Petco's s carry it too, oh yeah I also have bought it at Target too, lol)
The thing I love most is that I don't have to breath that crappy clay dust in anymore... That clay dust in cat litters is so bad for the lungs! Not to mention the cats lungs, and all the chemicals on their paws, and then they lick their paws and ingest all those toxic chemicals...Anyway all you cat people check it out :) also check this site out for holistic info and treatments for cats-- I love this site!
http://www.holisticat.com/articles.htm
Lisa ~ nice tip about the refurb Breville, I'm going to tell my aunt about it :)
Charleen ~ I love Psalms :)...and love what you said to Kris about< "I'm putting all my faith where faith belongs...in God. ">
thats so true! :)
sue ~ i just did that today! funny you should mention it lol! this was the first time..2 big carrots, and 2 small apples, sooo good!
And CONGRATS on you all who had good scans/results etc. ROCK ON GIRLS!
Hi All, Just checking in. Had a great day with hubby, he got off work at 1pm so we spent the day together, always a treat. I have been off of soda for 2 days,(always has been diet soda, but I know I need to give it up) talk about a baby step. The only problem with all this water is the bladder issue. I have a weak bladder because of my surgery so I have to stay near or at least scope out every rest room I can. :) Callie, I hope they didn't work you to hard today. We will be doing the boat tour tomorrow, but maybe I will See ya'll at the track on Sunday. Well, all you Cowgirls, I will close for now. Kris, Hope you are not working too Hard, haven't seen you on here since your original post?? Take care of yourself, I know you are doing alot things with "us" in mind, but the last thing we want is for to knock yourself out!! Take Care All, and Be Blessed!! Susan
P.S. Thanks Slayer!!
Kris ~ I LOVE LOVE what you said about not pushing your husband to be vegan because you like marriage! LOL! thats so right on! So many people in my life friends/family,co workers etc, have bad, horrible, marriages (divorced now, or on the verge of it, due to the wives pushing their husbands all the time into things they really dont want to do. Or just trying to constantly control their husbands. Give the guy a break ya know, he works, supports the family, is a good hubby, a good dad, so what if he wants to eat a hambuger lol! or wants to go bowling with the guys on a friday night. Most hubbys work so hard for their families, and they deserve to be happy and appreciated too! :)
Just found your blog, after seeing your doc and being so tremendously inspired by it awhile back. I was diagnosed autoimmune hypothyroid a little over a year ago, which has totally disrupted me. I am currently adopting an 80-10-10 (ala Doug Graham) raw vegan diet) and, although it's still early, am having promising results. I think you're right about having to stop the focus on the cure. I think it's a journey of soul healing, these things, be it cancer, thyroid problems, or whatever else is thrown at us, and to not seize the opportunity I think is to waste the gift of illness. Of course that's much more easily said than done, but I think it's true. I love what you said in the documentary about how you wouldn't give it to someone else, but it's still a gift (or something to that effect).
I have started a blog about my own journey to healing at www.blueskieswithin.blogspot.com.
Anyway, you totally rock, and I wish you a fantastic continued adventure.
Hi Kris! I was actually just needing some advice. For the past two years I have managed to baffle the medical community. No doctor has pretended to offer treatment because none of them can figure out what is wrong with me. Currently I have acupuncture three times a week and I am thinking about eliminating meats from my diet. I was wondering what the best way is to start that process, or do I do it all at once? Thanks.
Casey
hey - thank you for the movie. my father has a serious cancer and we went right away to the Hippocrates Center. He's not quite able to go yet (too weak) but we started bringing some of the ideas home - it was a new road to take when it seemed that there were none left.
-peace and rock
Rony
thank you for the movie - it inspired us to get my dad on wheatgrass and we've also signed him up for the Hippocrates Center. He has a very nasty cancer, but this path looks like a good one (chemo is not going anywhere).
keep on rocking!
-peace
rony
Hi guys,
WOW... what an inspiration, reading everyones blogs! THANKS!
I too, am living my journey~ beginning the day after Thanksgiving 06.
I had 2 strokes in December, then a dissected internal carotid artery (turned into a shriveled up fishing worm), another incident in April, thyroid removal in May... then CanSer... I joined the 'C' club! My actual first thought, after "Oh sh!t". Then the radiation, all along feeling exhausted, frail and down right poopy. I am very lucky to be mobile, yet I find things periodically that I have a hard time doing... such as, determining left/right, adding above 10, concentrating
During this time, I was seperated from my husband, and raising a 15 year old son, who did not seem to think he needed to kick in and step up.
I just had another round of bloodwork, and my 'USC cancer bloodwork' will be done soon, then on to another round of scans and emotions.
I see the Dr on tuesday for a plan..
In late September, I went into what I called my 'DR Denial' mode. I was not going to push them, I just wanted to turn 40 and celebrate with a party!
Actually, I really wanted to go Paragliding..... but I was dumb enough to mention it to my Dr and he promptly nixed the idea! So, I went horse back riding instead... It was really wonderful until I got bucked off.
I feel like I have turned into schlepp-rock.
I know this is a bad mindset... but I have a way of keeping it at bay on occasion... It's okay to make light of it all.
You are reminding me of what is really important.... every minute I get to breathe!
Thanks for your support and encouragement, it's all so overwhelming, yet I can look at it as a gift... and look at what has come out of it. I have made so many friends, so many bonds. And at 40, I have a long way yet to go!!!!
You all rest up and take good care!
Treat Cancer with Flavonoids:
www.treat-cancer.nl
Treat-Cancer.nl
Kris...I just started reading your book! I am so glad you wrote...as many people have told me to write a book about my experience with cancer...you beat me to it. Read my blog...I only have one entry on cancer. The Big C. I have Colon Cancer Stage 3C. you are the bomb and we think alike. Thank you for the book. Hope to see documentary soon.
http://eveonmymind.blogspot.com/
hey kris - I don't have cancer but I have some other insidious thing that seems to throw new tricks my way about twice a year! I wanted to say I love your 10 tricks for dealing with the scanning anxiety...
I loved this one:
4. If you get bad news, let it sink in, cry, spit, yell and sleep, then get your tush to the computer and come tell us about it. We will give you electronic hugs, help you get back in the game and send you to the juicer and to the garden.
http://disadventure.com/?p=454
Here's where I talked about my own bad news experience - It's funny, the more I get it, the better I get at dealing with it. I think I'm just becoming more my own person!
Although I have been following these blogs and posts for quite sometime, this is my first comment. I, like many of you are a cancer survivor. At 34 years old, mother of 2 small children (4 and 1 at the time) I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. Fortunately, I knew enough to do self exams and found this lump myself. Although the cancer invaded my muscle, it did not invade my lymph nodes! Now, a little over a year later (my children are now 5 and 2) I have 1 infusion left, with intense chemo ending last January and radiation ending last March! I have undergone a bi-lateral mastectomy and because of complications I have not been able to reconstruct....but with some healing I hope to be able to before a few years are up.
I really enjoyed the movie and as it has done for so many, inspired me to continue healing and try new things too. Just before I saw the movie I started juicing and investigating the raw diet. I am saving and saving for a trip to Hipprocrates (medical bills and childcare through treatments have set me back quite a bit.) It was so reassuring to see the movie and to have my aspirations confirmed. I LOVE my green juice and really look forward to drinking it everyday. I was turned onto wheatgrass from a fellow breast cancer friend and have been enjoying that too, really noticing the effects. I have been transitioning my diet for a while and am close to a raw diet, although I still can't seem to figure out what to have for dinner. I have an intense cleanse planned for immediately after Thanksgiving, I actually can't wait.
I do want some feedback from people about this ongoing question about juicers. I have used the Breville and the Omega 8005. They are different types of juicers and both easy to use and clean. I find the Breville easier to use because of the wide mouth, but all the 'top dog' nutritionist push the masticating type like the Omega model. The Breville does not do wheatgrass, but I have a manual one I use that it is just fine. Does anyone have an opinion on the how the Breville does leafy greens and if the masticating kind IS more nutritious? The Breville claims it does leafy greens because you can change the speed. With an option of both kinds which do you all prefer?
So, Kris thanks for keeping us cancer folks together. It is important to stay together and keep living for the moment. I am sorry that I missed seeing you at your premiere in New Milford, Ct. (I was running in the Race for the Cure in Boston and couldn't get back in time.) I also go to Joe's Salon. Everyone there is terrific and have wonderful things to say about you. Hopefully one day our paths will cross.
-Laura
Although I have been following these blogs and posts for quite sometime, this is my first comment. I, like many of you are a cancer survivor. At 34 years old, mother of 2 small children (4 and 1 at the time) I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. Fortunately, I knew enough to do self exams and found this lump myself. Although the cancer invaded my muscle, it did not invade my lymph nodes! Now, a little over a year later (my children are now 5 and 2) I have 1 infusion left, with intense chemo ending last January and radiation ending last March! I have undergone a bi-lateral mastectomy and because of complications I have not been able to reconstruct....but with some healing I hope to be able to before a few years are up.
I really enjoyed the movie and as it has done for so many, inspired me to continue healing and try new things too. Just before I saw the movie I started juicing and investigating the raw diet. I am saving and saving for a trip to Hipprocrates (medical bills and childcare through treatments have set me back quite a bit.) It was so reassuring to see the movie and to have my aspirations confirmed. I LOVE my green juice and really look forward to drinking it everyday. I was turned onto wheatgrass from a fellow breast cancer friend and have been enjoying that too, really noticing the effects. I have been transitioning my diet for a while and am close to a raw diet, although I still can't seem to figure out what to have for dinner. I have an intense cleanse planned for immediately after Thanksgiving, I actually can't wait.
I do want some feedback from people about this ongoing question about juicers. I have used the Breville and the Omega 8005. They are different types of juicers and both easy to use and clean. I find the Breville easier to use because of the wide mouth, but all the 'top dog' nutritionist push the masticating type like the Omega model. The Breville does not do wheatgrass, but I have a manual one I use that it is just fine. Does anyone have an opinion on the how the Breville does leafy greens and if the masticating kind IS more nutritious? The Breville claims it does leafy greens because you can change the speed. With an option of both kinds which do you all prefer?
So, Kris thanks for keeping us cancer folks together. It is important to stay together and keep living for the moment. I am sorry that I missed seeing you at your premiere in New Milford, Ct. (I was running in the Race for the Cure in Boston and couldn't get back in time.) I also go to Joe's Salon. Everyone there is terrific and have wonderful things to say about you. Hopefully one day our paths will cross.
-Laura
Hi Kris,
Need your help!
it's deeply troubling that promising therapy may be killed by bureaucracy; more than 500,000 Americans are currently living with lymphoma, and this is the only effective therapy for many who fail standard chemotherapy.
Now that the ruling is final, no member of the public is able to speak directly to anyone at CMS about the issue. One can contact senators, and ask them to intervene on behalf of lymphoma patients everywhere by telling CMS to reverse its ruling. I'm hoping that you could do the same or help building media profile. It has to be done now, if we're to get this ruling reversed. If not, people will die needlessly. It's that brutally simple.
For more information, please see these links:
Background provided by Patients Against Lymphoma (PAL)
http://www.lymphomation.org/CMS-call.htm#background
http://lymphomation.org/wordpress/?p=14
The ruling is contained in CMS-1392-FC; a draft of the document is available at:
http://www.cms.hhs.gov/QuarterlyProviderUpdates/downloads/cms1392p.pdf
If you need to conact me, please write to agoanes@gmail.com, Anna
I just saw your spot on Montell. As to not repeat any descriptions of your strength, I'd liken it to Godzilla, with cancer being Tokyo...
The path from the darkness or fear that you described is what inspired me to write.
I'm not a cancer carrier (that I know of), I do have one tumor (that I know of) but the doctor said it is malignant.
But I am at war with cancer, and in recovery. A few years ago, I lost a good friend to cancer (Nathaniel Viventi Sonne - 17), a few years later, I lost another good friend (Wendy James - 25, I think, you know women and their ages). I dealth with those losses, through tears and get togethers and got past the feelings.
On Nov.2 2007, I lost the girl I was seeing (Rebecca Allen - 27) to cancer related infections. Her PCOS led to Ovarian Cancer and though she fought it like hell, one night she didn't wake up. A night that she was to be with me, but stayed home because she was too tired to travel. We were planning a future, two kids, a trip next year, moving in. We had been engaged once before, and this time we were going to do it right.
I was gutted, crippled, and emotionally incapacitated for a couple days. I pulled it together just enough to get through the viewing, but I lost it at the funeral.
Fetal position, clutching my pillow seemed like a really good idea, until I started getting signs that she was still with me. Just crazy ish, like random people having a discussion about her name for no reason (yah, it was funny). Especially since neither of them knew her, or her connection to me.
But, the people in my life kept me a 24 hr watch for over a week. I couldn't go 60 minutes without having to check in (the fear of me jumping off something tall, I guess).
Soon, I took a step back and thought, If someone else close to me had passed and Bee was here, what would she say to me. She'd have her foot up my ass for even thinking about quitting.
I began to focus on what was going on in my life, making myself business, and using my feelings as motivation, rather than a obstacle.
It's been a week. I feel stronger. Not sure when my heart will open again, but I know that life will go on.
The last thing I said to her was "I love you", it was the last thing she said to me. That saying about make the last thing you say to someone count, isn't just cliche, I'm living proof....
Thank you
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