Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Scale Part 2 w/ Guest blogger Dee!

Hi Crew!

Look who's sharin' her story with passion, fire, and "get busy livin" attitude, our beloved Dee. Take it away sassy....

“Wow you look like a completely different person!”

A lot of people enjoy hearing that, hell some people LOVE hearing that. Especially after a break up when you’ve entered a big event looking drop dead amazing. That never hurts the ego right? It does hurt the ego though, when the statement is laced with wonderment, negativity, and almost a ‘what the hell?’ feeling.

Top that little sundae with a glorious dollup of canSer whipped cream and you’ve got what I call, a big ole proBlem. Capital B for blah.

Having been every weight under the sun, literally, 110lbs-250lbs (I’m currently a somewhat normal/healthy range thank you very much) I’ve experienced that ‘weight thing’ probably in more ways than the average person. The times I was at my heaviest (I’m 5’8 ½ ) was because of life saving medicine, treatments, and clinical trials. But did that make me feel any better? No, not at all. My personal sandwich board which read ‘I’m usually not such a cow I have canSer damnit!’ was out of commission and I couldn’t find my ‘this is a medical condition!’ bell to ring.

The first two months were hell, I won’t lie, having struggled with eating disorders (yes that’s plural) at a young age, all this anxiety came rushing back to me. And let’s face it, in today’s society there is pressure everywhere. In my life, it felt suffocating. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to see people. Unless I had to, I barely spoke with anyone. I became isolated, uncomfortable and just miserable (a very toxic relationship didn’t help matters either). Why? Why, why, why? How awful of me to be so down on myself! I know that now, trust me, I do, but damn, isn’t that how it always is? I knew the treatment was saving my life, I knew it was the only reason I was still breathing, and yet…in the midst of this massive struggle that literally was life or death, I hated myself for having to wear a size 16 jean. Oh the horror!

I’ve always been a very active, very fit, person albeit more so on the thin side. But before the whole canSer battle, and after my eating disordered days, I had become very strong. I would run fourteen miles without even batting an eye, I lifted weights better than most guys, I won push up contests, I boxed, I surfed, I really loved my body and loved how I felt. I also thought I was just as strong mentally as I was becoming physically. Man, was I in for a treat. A little extra poundage can throw any person for a loop, try adding about 100 lbs in less then six months. People are cruel, people judge, people talk and it hurts. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments when I wondered if it was worth it. And then something happened.

My treatment changed, I got back into my healthy eating. Okay a little bit more obsessively than I should have, but damnit I was determined to get back to my ‘self’ (and by ‘self’ I mean the warped perception that my ‘awesome bod’ was the real me, not just the carrier/messenger/cute accessory to the fabu personality). I started slow with the working out, my heart rate had to, and still has to, be closely monitored. The weight started slipping off. Months passed by and then something happened.

I was at a birthday party for a friend, when I overheard somebody commenting on me, saying awful things about how ‘thin’ I was, and that I probably use chemotherapy as a cover up for an eating disorder. And to make it worse, she then stated how she wished she could be as thin as me, if only she had my willpower. Didn’t she understand that I was fighting for my life? That behind the smile, and at that moment, frail form, I was really sick?

I realized then, that no matter what size I was, every one was going to have an opinion. Every one was going to talk. Every body would probably always be wrong and go based off of wrong assumptions and incorrect facts (story of my life man!) and instead of just asking me about it, continue on in their ignorant state of bliss. The only thing I could control was how I responded. Viktor Frankl once said, “the one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance”.

I call that moment, my turning point. I suddenly wanted to hate myself for being so hard on my poor tired body, how selfish was I after everything I put it through, to expect it to perform miracles?! It was being zapped, poked, prodded and scanned, going to hell and back, and there I was, bitching because I couldn’t fit into that gorgeous dress I bought a few months back.

But hating myself, would just continue the self-harm cycle! Yes, that’s right, I said it. Feeling guilty about your body is self-harm. It’s a form of self-abuse, and one of the most common. Four out of five women, at one time or another in their life, has had disordered eating and warped self perception. What we consider ‘normal’ talk about ‘diets’ and exercise ‘these jeans make me fat!’ ‘I hate myself for eating that brownie!’ ‘I had a REGULAR soda my life is over!’ ‘I hate you for being able to eat that!’ do nothing but harm harm harm ourselves.

I wish I could lay out steps and tell you all that being happy with your body is easy, but I can’t because that’d not only be incredibly dishonest, but not the way you should go about it. You should never let anybody tell you what is right for your body and your mind, you need to find that out yourself. That does not mean that getting a work out tip from a buddy, or some healthy food ideas from a friend, is the wrong thing to do. It just means that you can follow all the advice books, self help tapes, and ‘diet’ advice in the world, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy with yourself.

I know what works for me, I know what keeps my weight up (or down, depending on the treatment) and I know how to listen to my body. If my body needs some more weight on it, then so be it. If a new treatment makes me gain weight again, bring it on and I’ll keep smiling! My body’s got enough crap to worry about, the added stress won’t do anybody any good, least of all me. Being comfortable in your own skin is a challenge, it’s something you learn mostly from trial and error (kickboxing and I, are not friends, however Krav Maga and I, enjoy a torrid affair every once in awhile, and normal boxing and I, run away together constantly). I always say that life is what you make of it, you are what you make of yourself. If you don’t like those extra pounds, okay, you can run those extra miles and you can jazzercise your nights away, but once those extra pounds come off, will that just make you want to lose more? Or will you realize that extra pounds or not, your body is the physical embodiment of your entire life, and you should be proud of it. You should strut that bad boy out every day like the fabulous amazing souls you all are with a big dose of ‘hell freakin yeah I’m HOT’. Your body is your badge of honor, your story, your life, all wrapped up in limbs, bones and flesh.

We are our own worst enemy, we always will be unless we retrain ourselves, and learn to love ourselves, and be well, happy with ourselves at any size. It can happen, I’m living proof that it is possible. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.

Educate yourself, branch out, try something new. Move your body, move your soul, move your self, just move, move, move. Don’t make any more excuses! Embrace yourself and your flaws. You’ll never know what you can accomplish by spending your time sitting on your butt. Excuses are the currency of the lazy person, consider this your warning that the currency is no longer accepted (kind of like the Euro and how it swooped in and took over! The poor Lira didn’t have a chance…).

This community/group/family is amazing because of the support everyone has for each other, use that to your advantage. Support one another, lean on one another, help one another, move forward with one another. You all have it in you, it’s just a matter of whether or not you have the cohones to bust it out, embrace it, love it, smother it, and never let it go. The possibilities of what you can become are endless, but nobody can make those possibilities a reality but you. You owe it to yourself to at least try, I promise it will be hard, and I promise it’ll get harder before it gets easier, but I also promise that you will never, ever, not even for one moment, regret it. You may ask, ‘what’s there to gain/lose?’ and that’s just it, everything. Isn’t that worth it?


abbymaya said...

Dee you're such an inspiration! One of the get thin mantras is to have a picture of someone who's body you admire on your fridge, instead, I think I'm going to put up this post! :)

Survivorchick said...

Hi Kris and Dee. I've been reading this blog for quite some time now and this is my first post. Kris, I've seen your documentary and read your book. BOTH ARE WONDERFUL and changed my whole outlook on life. I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer back in August '07 and after lots of chemo and surgeries, my PET scan showed NO activity (found out the good news Feb. 1, 08). Also, want to say I was also juicing the entire time too (thanks to you Kris)! Speaking of getting up off your butt and doing something, within the past two weeks I've started back on the treadmill everyday for 45 min. to an hour. I feel great, so you are absolutely right, Dee. I would like to thank everyone who contributes to this blog. It's great reading every week. THANKS AGAIN.

strongerthanit said...

Dee - Your post resonates loud and clear.....and could not have come at a better time - I am at NIH now - new doctors, new testing, new medication, more emotional eating, less exercise, no control over schedules; just that overall feeling that I and all around me is awful, terrible, and ugly. Pretty crummy, huh? It sounds as if we've all been there. What's shocking is the total lack of emotional and mental health support in the medical if we're all "so strong" that there is never a worry or concern that any of us would have a breaking point. But, I guess that is another sordid, compelling post. For now, Dee, I just give you many thanks for the kick in the ass. M

strongerthanit said...

And Dear Kris - Thank YOU for making this community a reality. M

Sundari said...

Thank you for sharing Dee:) For years I was a gym junkie. I based my worth on whether I went to the gym that day. While at the gym I was miserable because it was never enough. I was trying to fill a void by shedding pounds, but it didn't matter how much weight I lost, I only felt worse. About a year ago, I was so depressed that I canceled my gym membership and started taking yoga. Connecting my mind and body was the key to developing a positive body image! I had to try out a few studios, but finally I found a down-to-earth, positive, nurturing environment to explore yoga. The experience was so powerful for me that I quit my job and went to yoga teacher training at the Sivananda Yoga Ranch. There are many style of yoga, so if you haven't found a good fit, keep exploring!

Cravin' Veggies said...

Well said Dee.

Kris, you are truly amazing and have a beautiful soul. Thank you for being you: strong, compassionate, and real.

Cravin' Veggies said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
luckymojo said...

Kris, I'm relatively new to this blog, and I read back a few entries, and will comment on them shortly, but I just wanted to say how inspiring you are, how fun you are, and lovely you seem to be! This blog is amazing, and I am looking forward to reading it regularly.

Dee- Sheesh, what can I say. You're always an inspiration, and you always seem to say things in the best way without being overbearing or coming off rude and haughty. You know so much about your body, but you don't use it against people, and I love that. You're amazing and wonderful, and you've been through so much, yet don't let it hold you back or keep you down.

It appalls me every time you tell me you went somewhere and someone made a comment about how skinny you were either "OMG you look fabulous" or "She must think it's TRENDY to be skinny" and I just, I'm floored that people can be so heartless, but then again, I've seen it in my own life, just not necessarily in the same context. Your upbeat personality and positivity never ceases to amaze me and cheer me up when I'm down. Even when you're hard on me, I am encouraged, as opposed to being upset or feeling dejected.

I love the "You body is your badge of honor" thing though. Love it!

And I love you!

scnewme said...

Miss Dee - you definitely know how to say what's on your mind, and you're sharing a very powerful message today!! Being comfortable in our bodies is a lifelong struggle. We've been trained to believe that when we look good, we feel good - and nothing could be further from the truth.

Once faced with survival due to canser or any other illness, insecurities and the spiraling loss of control take charge, sometimes seemingly insurmountable. Why, when we are fighting for our very lives, do people make their judgments based solely on physical appearance? There have been days when I've wished they could take a peek inside my toxic body before they speak such mindless words. But they don't have a clue, how could they??? Ignorance and cruelty aside, their opinions truly are secondary to our own.

Its our little secret to know that in reality, its all about what's buzzing in our heads that brings the most pain of all. If and when we realize - with SOOOO much love and support from Kris and you and everyone in our CSC community - that we can help in the journey to heal our bodies by healing our minds, well...that power brings such comfort and strength in ways I never dreamt possible!!

You couldn't have nailed it any better, in my humble opinion. Yes, it will be incredibly hard, but yes, so very worth it.

AMEN - awesome stuff girls!!

xoxo Sherry

APESUNCW02 said...

Hi, this is my first post - I've been reading this blog every day for a while now (ever since I saw Kris's documentary), and although I don't have canser myself, both my grandparents lost their battles with canser, my grandmother just this past Saturday. Which I guess is why I've been so drawn to this blog and wanting to get on a better path - nutritionally, physically, and spiritually - there has been so much canser in my family - I am 28 years old and I want to do everything I can to help reduce my risk. However, I have found it difficult to make the transition towards the raw food diet - I am kind-of an all or nothing person - I went out and bought a Breville juicer (because of this blog), bought multiple raw food books, went to Whole Foods and was intimidated by the produce section, and then lasted all of 2 weeks before falling of the raw-food wagon. :) I am hoping to go raw (at least until dinner) starting March 1st - just wanted to say thanks for this blog and this group - I have been educated and encouraged.

debbiedoesraw said... you no matter your weight...deb

cancer cowgirl xo said...

Dee: You are a rock star! I mean come on. No sugar coating, 100% high octane truth and soulful ass kickin. Thanks for being such an amazing rich and pure guest!

Deb: Hi gorgeous, left you another comment on the last blog.

Apes: Slow down love, you don't have to jump into raw till dinner. Baby steps. Try adding the juice first, raw till lunch second. If ya want. If not just add more greens and more life to your life. Honor your pace and don't get intimidated. Their just carrots. :)

Slayer said...

Thanks so much everyone for all the posts. The thing that perplexs me about all this is that I do not eat much fat. The only place I get fat from is cheese. I do not eat meat or fast food or put a lot of sauses on my foods. I eat 10 to 15 veg a day if not more and at least 5 fruits a day. The only things I have been eating lately is organic veg broth, whole wheat bread, bananas. I am so missing my veg and fruit but I am scared to try anything because the pain is severe. I tried boiled potatoes last night and I have not had pain yet so I am really happy.

Does any one have a flush receipt? Does it hurt?

Thanks Kris for all your help.
You truely have blessed us all with your help and love.

Jenny said...

Hi Dee, Kris & crazy sexy community!
Dee - Thank you for sharing your experiences. I agree with you that people can be very cruel.
We do have to do the work to get to loving our matter what we weigh, what parts have been removed, skin cut into, etc.

As awesome as our bodies are, no matter we feel about every aspect of our being really counts. As Stevie Nicks said "It's not what's in the mirror, but what's left inside." God, I love that song! Sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes it's a breeze...ain't it the truth!

skyecat said...

Good Morning,

Wonderful Part 2, Dee. I do not have canSer, but have been touched by it (my grandmother, mom)in my life. At some point in our lives: we will undoubtedly all be touched by some form of illness, and it's true, we are all going to die. It just never ceases to amaze me how insensitive humans can be. In my experience, the people who are so insensitive, are just plain stupid.

That said, I don't want to whine and bitch about those people who just don't think before opening their mouth and inserting their big feet, I want to again say how positive you all are--how spirited and enlightened...I look forward to this blog every single day, sometimes 2 and 3 times a day. Just to feel the camaraderie and sense of community is a blessing to me.

It is true, move, one step at a time, baby steps, and get to a place where you can love yourself just the way God created you. We are only human. I am one of those folks who has to get to the gym at least every other day in order to feel "good" about my physique. However, after being on a bus for 4hours a day commuting back and forth to the city--it's okay if I don't go to the gym and stay home a few nights and rest...geez, I may even watch a little TV. Horrors!

My diet is healthful, I get the right amount of rest, and I workout, that should be the prescription for anyone to live a good life...with the little c or not. Okay, keep on keepin' on!

Peace out and eat your veggies!

Justme117 said...

Hey Dee! Great post-it's such a complicated subject because there are so many layers to it, and as women we have so many different attachments to it. For me this subject evokes a lot of emotion. I feel like I have moved mountains in this area lately, but it is still very raw. I never realized exactly how much damage I was doing to myself by thinking the way I did. When I think of it now, it moves me to tears. I was the queen of saying/thinking horrible things about myself. Your so fat, so ugly, so this, so that, -- or your an idiot why did you eat that... the list is long. You are very right - that is a form of self abuse. But I can say, when that starts to change, when you stop the 'bad mouthing' and start the 'sweet talking' --whoa!! Its this crazy, very empowering feeling. To start to learn to LOVE yourself... its empowering, freeing, and beautiful.

Kris and Dee- thank you guys so much for posting on this! Oh man... you guys got me all weepy now! I need to dry these eyes and go juice!

jennsfirstattempt said...

Dee....Great Perspective. Thank you!

Deb, Have you heard from Callie? It's not like her to be gone for so long.

Callie girl....let us know you are ok.

Hugs and Love Today, Jenn

Amanda said...

dee- you're such a fighter and we love you for it. seriously, not only are you the most helpful person ever, to anybody, but you are so unapologetically yourself that sometimes i just am in awe. no matter what you always bounce back, you're always resilient, and you always are so positive. thanks for everything!

kris- thank you so much for having this as a post!! the scale series are the best yet!

Amanda said...

p.s. dee! where are you!

Rhonda Radliff said...

Hey Dee.
Thanks for the great offering in the post.

I have lots of feelings on the subject, but no time today to write.

Hang in there folks. Love your body and rock your day!

clint said...


Many of you were/are asking the whereabouts of our beloved Dee...

A few days ago, she was in a (minor) car accident, and was in the hospital for a few days. She said to tell you all not to worry, and that she'll be around soon.

What a trooper...

I vote we get her to change her blog name to 'Xena', Warrior juice girl !!



luckymojo said...

Clint: I like the Xena idea!

Dee- Feel better, you're in my thoughts and prayers! Ilu!

countryliving said...

Thank you that was an excellent post, WOW!
Here is my story...
In January 2008 I turned 46 the age that my Dad had a heart attack and my Mom had breast cancer 6 weeks later also age 46. My Moms sister died of breast cancer after a diagnosis at age 46. My father now has cancer.
At my yearly gyn visit a little while ago my doctor informed me that is was inperative that I have my breasts and ovaries removed ASAP because I was a terrible risk.
I have had benign breast tumors removed in the past. When I went to check out they already an appointment for me to see the surgeon in 5 days. When I got home I started to think that to make my body go into instant menopause would be terrible and tomorrow I could be hit by a bus and killed. Somewhere in there I needed to be a big does of perspective. I had on my DVR Kris on Oprah so I to watched it again and decided to change my thinking and diet more { been organic for years}. I cancelled the appointment with the surgeon and felt at peace. I still follow up with the breast surgeon every 6 month and he and I are in agreement with how to manage my care at this point.I don't live in fear. I am not saying that I won't ever have the invasive surgery but I need a whole lot more information before I do. I had one Dr. tell me I would not be around to see my kids graduate from College.
I can't thank you enough for this community of people who are so loving,inspiring and helpful. I love the topic on weight and feel that Dee was speaking to the choir!
Many blessing to you all!

Dr.Sue said...

You always write so beautifully about every subject. You're very compassionate, knowledgeable, and so real. Your positive attitude regardless of the situation is admirable. I want it to rub off on me! Just read you were in an accident. Get home soon & hopefully you can get some well deserved rest, but knowing you, you'll be tackling a million tasks.
Thanks for the motivating post!
Much love, Sue

skyecat said...

You probably already know this, but here are 7 great reasons to drink green tea (found online today)...

The steady stream of good news about green tea is getting so hard to ignore that even java junkies are beginning to sip mugs of the deceptively delicate brew. You'd think the daily dose of disease-fighting, inflammation-squelching antioxidants--long linked with heart protection--would be enough incentive, but wait, there's more! Lots more.

Several polyphenols - the potent antioxidants green tea's famous for - seem to help keep cancer cells from gaining a foothold in the body, by discouraging their growth and then squelching the creation of new blood vessels that tumors need to thrive. Study after study has found that people who regularly drink green tea reduce their risk of breast, stomach, esophagus, colon, and/or prostate cancer.

Got a cut, scrape, or bite, and a little leftover green tea? Soak a cotton pad in it. The tea is a natural antiseptic that relieves itching and swelling. Try it on inflamed breakouts and blemishes, sunburns, even puffy eyelids. And that's not all. In the lab, green tea helps block sun-triggered skin cancer, whether you drink it or apply it directly to the skin - which is why you're seeing green tea in more and more sunscreens and moisturizers.

Having healthy blood pressure - meaning below 120/80 - is one thing. Keeping it that way is quite another. But people who sip just half a cup a day are almost 50 percent less likely to wind up with hypertension than non-drinkers. Credit goes to the polyphenols again (especially one known as ECGC). They help keep blood vessels from contracting and raising blood pressure.

Green tea may also keep the brain from turning fuzzy. Getting-up-there adults who drink at least two cups a day are half as likely to develop cognitive problems as those who drink less. Why? It appears that the tea's big dose of antioxidants fights the free-radical damage to brain nerves seen in Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

The younger and healthier your arteries are, the younger and healthier you are. So fight plaque build-up in your blood vessels, which ups the risk of heart disease and stroke, adds years to your biological age (or RealAge), and saps your energy too. How much green tea does this vital job take? About 10 ounces a day, which also deters your body from absorbing artery-clogging fat and cholesterol.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Turns out that green tea speeds up your body's calorie-burning process. In the every-little-bit-counts department, this is good news!

Grendle said...


Hope you're OK! Please take care & all the time you need to heal. Your post is GREAT. The part about “Wow you look like a completely different person!”
really hit home. It's nice at first, but after a while I start wondering what pile of crap I must've looked like the last time they saw me. Sometimes I wonder if this lifestyle doesn't fit into an eating disorder a little too neatly, minus the yaking?! Even so, I know I'm healthier than I've been in many years.


Kay said...

I have wonderful news! No cancer. The bone scan came out just fine. If I have any more problems, I just have to check for arthritis.

I also might not need surgery on my hand - I have a tear in the careladge (sp?). But, as of now, all I have is PT and wrist guard.

debbiedoesraw said...

Thanks for the love... I get so, well..let's face it.. desperate.. to find something that will change this situation I am in re:leukemia that I may have jumped the gun on the wheatgrass.. thanks for the blog love too...hope you visit often!
love you.. you saved my life.. no kidding my friend
PS next blood test March 12...praying for a lower white blood cell count!

LYB said...

Wow Dee, you hit the nail right on the head for me. I found myself with tears while reading. I have been struggling with body image for as long as I can remember, but now I am struggling with my weight from treatments and meds. Having been athletic and fit my whole this is a challenge for me right now.

Thank you for echoing what I have been telling myself. I admire your journey to get to where you are right now, I am working towards it. Your story helps, thanks for sharing!

skyecat said...

kay that is excellent news. and deb i am praying for you at your next blood test...

strongerthanit said...

Dee - You've got to get better FAST so that you can see what a tea-party you've started!! You have definintely hit a chord - something about which we all seem to think and feel - and pretty deeply. Thank you, Clint, for letting us all know about Dee - we're grateful our "Guest Blogger" will be OK.

clint said...


She's surrounded by armed guards, who are 'Packing Wheatgrass', and WILL use it if they have to !

I have my best men on it, and will see that her "Awesomeness" gets back here, safe n' sound !

Poor lil thaing.


Cravin' Veggies said...

Aw, Dee... hope all is well. Hope to see you back soon!

Kay: YAY! Glad to hear it!

totally chic girly said...

awesome post Dee!
Hope you are well and back soon...

Sabrina said...

Kris - Thanks so much for having Dee spread her words of wisdom. That was a very powerful message that I believe everyone here can relate to. At one time or another we all have weight issues (whether that "weight" is excess bodily poundage, excess stress, tension in your life..) and the most important thing to do is to form some solid coping mechanisms.

A couple things you said resonated with me:

"The only thing I could control was how I responded." This phrase has been my motto for the past year. Since my sister's massive brain aneurysm and time spent in the hospital & in has taken a huge toll on the lives of my dad, mom & myself. All I kept telling them was "we cannot control what has already happened (the aneurysm/accident/Kelzey's condition). We can only control our actions and thoughts in response to what has happened." Therefore, the best way to be is to be positive & to manifest your optimism in your intentions. (Law of attraction as we all know.)

You bring up a very good point -- many people think that losing those extra 5, 10, 20 lbs. will be their "key to happiness". Yet we have access to this "key" at any moment -- whether you are 100+ lbs. overweight, at the recommended healthy weight for your height, or malnourished. Happiness shouldn't be correlated with weight. Instead, it should be correlated w/ having a healthy body image (not to say that happiness is only linked to health, I am saying this strictly w/in the bounds of this discussion). Happiness comes when you love your body, yourself, and when you SHOW your body love. Now we are all familiar with the saying "Practice what you preach".

I dread stepping on the scale and right now I think the scale might dread me ;) but regardless of carrying a few extra pounds (....ok...WAY more than a few)..I have always loved myself through it all. I'll love myself regardless of what I weigh. One thing I do need to learn is to SHOW my body love. I don't SHOW this when I feed into my intense sugar cravings or emotional eating. I've found such continued support in this community and will continue doing so to help win the battle over stressful eating!! All in good time.

& Dee, darling...I'm so sorry to hear about your accident! We are all thinkin' about you! Get your rest and know that your message will affect all of us!!

P.S. You rock to the fullest ;)

<3 Sabrina

P.P.S. Does anyone know where we're at in the book? I have some major catching up to do!!!!!

effie said...

dee you are such an inspiration! i've been following your blog and your comments here on kris' and hoping that you'd be one of the guest bloggers soon! (you should totally be a regular or something! your writing is fantastic).

i've been a long time lurker and never really felt...comfortable enough to just jump out and say hi. i don't have cancer but i do have auto immune, so the diet changes have been health related. this entry really really spoke to me though, and your confidence in yourself is so admirable. you're always so helpful and supportive of everyone.

i clicked on your profile and emailed you as well, sorry if that's stalkerish but this entry really got to me! thanks for everything you always do. you and kris are two in a million.

Dee said...

Oh my gosh you guys, let me just say, I am so sorry for being so MIA! I got so many fantastically wonderful emails from you guys and gals that I just wish I could hug you all from here. I'm going to reply to each and every one of them, I promise, feel free to keep em coming (you can find my email by click on my name for those confused lol)! I love talking with you all.

abbymaya- That is a massive compliment coming from you, and I accept it with open arms, thank you love!

survivorchick- CONGRATS ON YOUR PET SCAN! Seriously, that is some major awesomeness right there and you deserve to celebrate! Turn on your favorite song and shake your cute booty mama! You're worth every moment. Keep on keepin' on!

strongerthanit- Unfortunately I have had doctors like that, heck I still do. They treat the issues and the symptoms and sometimes, never the person with them. It's frustrating and just causes more negativity. Finding the right doctor is so, so, so very important. One that connects with you as a person and as a patient. That being said, that negative cycle of emotional eating pairs far too nicely with the circle of tests, medicine, and waiting on results. I like to think it feeds the worry, the negativity. You eat crap because you feel like crap, it's pretty simple really. Eat something amazing, make a fantastic salad with lots of crazy vegetables you were always afraid to try. Try working your way around the produce section and trying each and every vegetable at least ONCE. Never give in to all the negativity, it won't be easy but you CAN do it. You may falter some (we all do) but don't worry, if you stumble and fall, we're all here to catch you, always. If you need anything never hesitate. You are very, very welcome.

Sundari- Yes! What kind is your favorite? Yoga really is so great for connecting the mind/body/soul/spirit. But then again, a good dose of just some kick ass boxing and beating the crap out of a punching bag does it's trick some days too. It's all dependent on the person, I'm so proud of you for doing your own 'trial and error' to find what works for you. It's so important!

cravin' veggies- Well thanks dudette! You know I love you long time and stuff. :)

luckymojo- I knew you'd find it! I was thinking about that while glaring at the white coats this morning (yeah I know, I know, you know I do that a lot, whatever dude! They deserved it! Big buttheads!) thinking if you'd be able to find it on your own. You're so smart! *pats your head*. And now in response: Sometimes, as you know, my honesty tends to be a big slap in the face to people, and it's usually their own insecurity that causes it instead of what whomever specifically said. It's easy to get your back up when what somebody says can be criticism about your biggest insecurity, so I try my hardest not to come across like that, I'm glad it didn't. Body image, weight issues, healthy mind/body/spirit connections are so incredibly personal and deep, so many raw feelings, that it's so difficult for so many people to discuss it and that's just WHY it should be discussed, as openly, as respectfully, as often, as possible. The only reason I am ever hard on you is because, as we both know, you know better, and I expect more from you. You know I hate slackers! Besides, I'd never kick you in the butt for fun, I only do it because I love you (and you tell me you want me to! LOL). *turns any of your frowns upside down*. I love you too! I'm so glad you found this (even though I was going to be sending it later today lol) wonderful place and I hope you stick around for a bit. Every body here is so chock full of information and support, it's not just a place for canSer guys and gals people! We're a big ole vat of healing, loving, twirling and whirling 24/7. Yee-haw and stuff!

Cravin' Veggies said...

Yay..... Everybody!!! Dee's back! Yippee!

Soooooo, how ARE you?? *huggggs*

And.... where the H is Callie? I'm starting to get a little worried...

debbiedoesraw said...

Hi all
I called Callie Tuesday am.. she never called new posts on her basic missions site.
I will call again tonight...I think it is an answering machine. Hope nothing bad happened to Duncan or her family or friends. She did tell me she had lots of Jr. League stuff to do this week...maybe she is just super busy...but I am worried a tiny bit.
love deb
Dee: No mere car accident can deter you wonderwoman!!! love ya lots

Dee said...

scnewme- <-- OMG look I did it right! LOL. We've been trained to believe that 'looking good' equals some warped perception of healthy (thanks mass media!) when in reality, most of the 'healthy' images you see every day are thanks to starving, airbrush, and a ridiculous obsession with exercise. THAT is not what looks 'good'. That just is, sad. I agree, while their opinions may hurt at times, they only hurt when their sentiments echo our own. I love your very humble opinion (and your email! I'm replying soon!). AMEN SISTER FRIEND! You have such a way with words my love.

apesuncw02- I am so very sorry for the loss of your grandmother, losing somebody is never easy. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. That being said, jumping in full force right away can cause your system to do craaaaazy things. Try something like Natalia Rose's The Raw Food Detox Diet which helps to gradually introduce your body/system into the whole process so it doesn't go 'WHAT THE HECK IS THIS'. To 'fall off the wagon' can be oh so very discouraging, but just remember, tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. Yes, you can burst into a song from 'Annie' now. If you don't, I will. If you ever need anything, anything at all, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Deb- That's the point! Even if you didn't, I'd be okay with that because I'm okay with who I am, and I don't need anybody else to be (although I don't poo poo it! LOL). That being said, love you too woman! You're such a great source of support and knowledge for everyone here.

Kris- Why you hafta go make me blush and stuff? Golly. Thank YOU for you know, every little thing. Honesty is my policy baby, and I'm going to rock that noise through till the end.

Slayer- What is your water consumption like? Have you tried eliminating cheese from your diet completely to see what happens? Feel free to email me if you want to talk outside of this blog.

Jenny- Here here! Agree completely. And you're very welcome love, I was very happy to do it. It was like therapy!

Skyecat- Anytime anyone is going to insert their foot into their own mouth, which happens quite often I find, I always offer to hold their drink so it doesn't spill :). Good for you! Listen to your body. If you skip one work out a week, you really won't drop dead or break down, honest! The biggest thing I find is the guilt people have with it. 'Oh my gosh I didn't go to the gym today I am so awful'. No, you're not. You just didn't go to the gym today. Big deal, move on, tomorrow is another day. Stress and guilt can eat you alive! And I agree, mindful eating, moving that bod and a positive attitude (I am working on the rest thing myself...) are the keys to success in every facet of life.

Justme117- Isn't it powerful? It's one thing to talk about it, but it's another thing to really feel it first hand. To feel that shift in perception, in your reality, your whole world evolves and changes and suddenly everything is so much better, so much easier. Even the bad, awful, horrible days, aren't all that bad. *hands you kleenex*. You, my gorgeous love, are amazing and so powerful, strong and loving both inside and out.

Jennsfirstattempt- You're welcome! Thank you!

Amanda- Well thanks! Resiliency is key to longevity. At least in my life, positive resiliency to be specific. It's one thing to bounce back, it's another thing to bounce back with a big ass grin and big ole giggle. Sorry I was so MIA, traffic accident and such!

Rhonda- Whenever you want to share your feelings, just know that I'll be waiting to hear them, whether you email me personally or post them here for everyone to support/vent/cry/relate to you.

Clint- OHMYGOSH we should put that on a t-shirt, I would so wear it all the time. You are such a fantastic, amazing soul. I'm so blessed to have you in my world.

Dee said...

countryliving- Goodness, I would say I'm sorry for all of that but it seems like all of it has done something good for you. You seem like you're in such a positive, glowing place in your life (as you should be!) and that alone, I think, is worth any form of suffering/pain. To have that peace within yourself, makes it all worth it. If you ever need anything...

Dr.Sue- Wow, that is one hell of a compliment to come from you and it really resonants within me, thank you so much.

Skyecat- Isn't the skin thing fantastic? My mom taught me that awhile ago and I swore she was crazy, silly smart lady!

Grendle- Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it, talk about some apprehension! I was so worried some of you would be scared away! I agree, the whole 'you look like a completely different person' thing, I'm always wondering, 'wait, is that good or bad? WHAT did I look like before?'. I think any type of lifestyle can fit into an eating disorder, that's the problem, people take things way too far, they get obsessed, they're out of control with things in their life so they can control what they put into their bodies, they just...take it way too far. I'd love to chat more with you on it...

Kay- CONGRATULATIONS! Keep on keepin on!

Deb- You know you're always in my thoughts and prayers (you should at least). It's easy to get wrapped up in something like that, just know that no matter what happens, we're all here for you.

lyb- Aw I didn't mean to make you cry! Happy/relief tears I hope? Medication/treatment with weight issues is easily the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. It's so hard, so frustrating and so very much like slamming your head into a brick wall trying to move it forward. It hurts like a bitch and never really works. I'm so glad it helped, if you ever need anything, please don't hesitate!

totally chic girly- Thank you love!

Sabrina- I think somewhere around...Chapter 10? I am so far behind that I must catch up as well. I agree with everything you said except for one thing, don't dread the scale! Embrace it! Hop on that baby, do a little jig, and if the number is higher/lower than you thought it'd be, give one big enthusiastic HELL YEAH I AM HOT! and then go on your merry way. That number, is just a number, and it don't mean a daaaaamn thang honey! Keep on keepin' on, you're amazing love.

Effie- Holy compliment bat girl! Auto immune diseases are effected greatly by diet/lifestyle, heck that's one of the biggest things that causes it to freak out. I'm so glad this spoke to you, and I look forward to reading your email! And no, it's not stalkerish silly! LOL @ two in a million! Love it!

Dee said...

cravin veggies- I am banged up, bruised, stitched and! Seriously though, I'd prefer to not have so many doctor issues (although this was more the issue of a kid on his phone, playing with his iPod, driving without a license and not understanding what the brake pedal is)! *hugs you back tightly*

Deb- Keep us posted on Callie, she most likely is just super busy. And hell yes! Car accidents be damned. Seriously, one big pain in the ass. No pun intended. I'm looking at the accident as a blessing in disguise, let my positivity flow!

Tae said...

Dee- What amazing perspective you have! I adore and admire you!

joyfuljude said...

GREAT story Dee! WOW!

I'm so glad you are ok from you car accident. Sheesh, if it's not one thing, it's another, eh?

I remember a day at work right after I had been diagnosed with canSer, I overheard a someone saying to another, "yes, she has canSer and she hasn't even lost any weight" What the hell???

Thanks again for you fabulous post! You are awesome!


miss milki said...

Hi! I've been lurking around here for a while (blushes) but I just had to chip in this time! I don't have cancer but I have watched some of my close friends and family battle it in the past few years. I think everyone knows someone affected by cancer these days - Its awful! ;P

I'm 26 and I have M.E. I got sick nearly 3 yrs ago and just over 2 years ago I had to drop out of college (University) and move home. That first year I moved home I put on over a stone in weight (alot for me cos I'm only 5'). I was spending most days in bed or lying on the couch so no excercise at all, and because i was depressed and felt a bit sorry for myself i was eating all the wrong things...lots of cakes and biscuits and desserts. At the same time I was totally beating myself up about putting on weight and totally hated my body for being fat an sick and useless.
Less than a year ago I started to eat healthily. I'm not as hardcore as some of you amazing people but I 've cut out wheat and dairy all processed foods and all sugar except fruit. I switched to organic where possible and started eating way way more fruit and veg. This was all part of a plan to get rid of the M.E.
I also totally changed my attitude towards my body (easier said then done - it takes time!) and decided to give myself a break. I'm sick! It really doesn't matter if i've put on a few pounds... I can work at that when I get my health back. There is no point in beating myself (or yourself) up about it. Our poor bodies are doing their best in difficult situations. i guess thats the main point I want to make. You guys are going through MAJOR stuff you really don't need the stress of worrying about your weight as won't help you get better. Focus on getting better first and put your energy into that. And give your bodies a break, don't punish them more - give them the healthy things they need for healing even if they aren't the same things that'll make you skinny!

Strangely, without trying, the weight began to drop off once I started eating healthy...I'm still not as slim as my ideal (but are you ever?!) And I still can't excercise more than a walk around the block so i'm totally untoned but thats ok. I can work on it when I get better. My body is doing its best for me right now so I'm not going to love it and mind it, not get cross and grumpy about it!

That was WAY longer than I intended but I just wanted to say that Kris's tips in the last post are totally excellent. My problem is that I eat whatever was easiest when I am most ill and can't cope with cooking or prepping healthy food. So make sure there's plenty of easy, pre-prepared healthy food ready for those days. And tell your family why its so important for you to eat healthy so they can support you and keep you accountable. I'm lucky that I live at home and my parents go out of their way to buy me the right kind of food and prepare it for me when i'm not able,I think thats been a major key to me sticking to a healthy diet.

Btw You are all amazing here! This is the most upbeat website I've ever seen on any illness. Its so easy to wallow but you guys don't. I always feel encouraged when I pop in here and read your comments! Thanks and Well done!!!

Michelle J said...

DEE!!! I am enlightened once again by your incredible writing!! You know how i feel, but i'll say it totally ROCK and i love you a lot!!!

I am so sorry about your car accident! (stupid kid, stupid ipod, just stupid)..just know i'm here for you dude!!! In a big way! Text, call, email, whatever! Anytime, OK?

Basic Me said...

Just some Buisness. Then lets catch up.. thanks.

Jennifer: I am so sorry that Tom passed away. I cannot belive you and your lovely family have been thru so much. I have been gone from work for the past 4 days doing my insane Junior League week and missed so much. I love you dearly and I am so proud of you. We have all watched you blossom and turn into a power house of a woman. You family is so blessed to have you and Honey you FIL was so blessed to have you there to show him what a taste of unconditional love is and help him gain optimisium and Love and Trust in a way he probley didnt know existed before. You inspire me so much and I know from your words you did the same for him. God bless us all we need a Jennifer in all our lives. I love you darling. Give my love to your family and I will keep you so close in my thoughts and prayers every breath as we say. Hope to see you hear soon. Duncan and I are so sorry.

OK.. So sorry guys for being MIA
Ihave had a few commitments that had to be accomplished since Before the end of March and I had to get to it. Thank you all for thinking of me. I got to speak with Sherry today!!!!! I cannot belive it. It is like speaking to sisters.. each person I get to talk to. My god my heart just flowed with tears at the end of the phone call and I will be snotty but loved all night from her call. She is so beautiful... When I saw my phone ring I ran over to it (while getting the messages off the crackberry it is full) thought I know three people in New Jersy and they are all off csc! Oh happy day... I called back and it was Sherry. Life can make you smile so hard you jaws ache at times..Love you Sherry thank you for calling me.

Dee.. This is fundamentally an amazing amazing blog. Honey it speaks to me like nothing else. I tell you we as women do not value ourselves as just the soul in the self. Funny it takes so much to knock us in the head and makes us love ourselves. Once we do that so much of our crap falls away as do so many of the pounds or baggage or mean things we do to ourselves. We can be our own worst enemy at times with the dear scale. It is either our pride or our self destruction. I wish we could learn to teach our young women that that number is not who we are. Then teach them to eat well and love themselves and Voila Life would work out. I see that so many thing in this world affect who we are and who we become. We just need to focus in on the very best of ourselves. I have fought my entire life to stay tiny. When I was DX. with cancer I had begun to gain weight and gained straight thru a year in bed flat on my back taking chemo and throwing up. I didnt realize others went thru this until CSC came along. But as the year into this lifestyle has settled I am 90 pounds off and have ten to go and I will be my normally pudgy tiny self. HAHA but no matter what I weigh I love me now. I am 5'2 and wiegh 147 pounds not that is alot of dynamite on a little frame. But mushy or not that is still 90 pounds lighter than pre CSC. Fifty pounds came off after the steriods stopped the other came off with blood sweat and tears.. and a HUSKY. saatchi the lifestyle trainer is hiring out after today?? Any takers free shipping haha.. But honestly. I think most of my life has been in pursuit of thin. And once I began to stop chasing I learned that I was not the number. I can not tell you how much your story resonates with me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you sharing. And I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE YOU GOT IN A CAR CRASH!!! I hope you are feeling ok and all is well. Let us know.

Stongerthanit! I cannot tell you what a hero you are to me. You are a champion fighter. I hope you are getting some good care and maybe some better take out food then uckky hospital fare. I am keeping you on the short list and will be waiting to hear that you are home and doing better.

I love you all. Clint I have missed you and your Zena Warrior Princess metaphors.. I love it when you say that. I love the wheatgrass guns too.

I cannot wait to visit with you all but I have to blog and finish getting my messages and get these boys at the mission settled. We have had another brawl. Good grief.

Well I am off to work. Love you all and thanks for checking on me.

Kris I loved you blog too. OH do I hate the numbers on the scale at times. I haven't got to catch up on the comments but I am going back to get the news. Hugs Momma Cowgirl I missed you while you were away in big New York City.

Hugs Blessing and Sweet Potatoes.

Basic Me said...

Hey all wanted to let debbie her post are fab.. and congrads to all the good scans and whooo hooo deb you always make me smile. I got the wheatgrass coffee and for a treat.. like you said Duncan is in love. HA.. Thank you so much!!!

Sorry for the phone I get about 250 calls a day and the machine fills and it wont ring. Trying to retrive the messages and clear the crackberry and phone.. what a week. All is well precious friends.. JL. is going to kill me. hhah

Dont you all think Debbie should write a best seller? I really dooooo!!! ;)MUMMMH HUGS>>>
hugs. Callie

Basic Me said...

Well I know I am hogging the bloggin trying to catch up but F__k a Duck I missed Bav. Bav sending you loads of love darling. Come back soon. Callie

LYB said...

Dee, just tears of emotions....hitting it where it is at for me and for just being understood.

Thank well and feel better from your accident. People should slow down and watch the road!

love to you all!

granola said...

Thank you for your inspiring blog! You hit the nail on the head:
"Educate yourself, branch out, try something new. Move your body, move your soul, move your self, just move, move, move. Don’t make any more excuses!" LOVIN' IT!

And, BTW, you are truly a beautiful person--inside & out. I also love "Embrace yourself and your flaws." It is easier to see the beauty in others than ourselves. I look at my flaws as making me "unique." (And of have plenty of them! love being "unique"!!)

And, as far as I'm concerned, everyone here is beautiful! All in pursuit of "Living our very best lives!"


P.S. Glad you are ok after the car accident!

jaymie said...

dee! absolutely wonderful. i love that what you tell me outside of this blog is so identical to what you have written here, and based off other's comments, you are the same way with everyone. i really appreciate you for being so honest and true to who you are, no matter if it's kick-ass-let's-get-down-to-business talk. that's just what some of us need! thank you for everything. big hugs :)

skyecat said...

Hi Dee,

You are indeed very popular and I can see why--you made it a point to give a shout out to almost everyone in this blog! Amazing!

I got home tonight and had two cups of green tea (one before the gym and one after). My doctor prescribed blood pressure medication for me a few years back, and when I asked him if I would ever get off it, he replied, "no". Well, I have since changed physicians, and I'm going to keep drinking the tea and get off the medication--I go back to the doctor in March, and I'm going to ask him about this.

Medication is expensive--and if I can bring my blood pressure to normal, then why should I remain on any meds?

Anyway, I hope you all have a peaceful night's sleep, with sweet dreams.


debbiedoesraw said...

CALLIE!!! girl you better email me... so many things we need to talk about and share my love!!!
tell Duncan don't OD on the coffee wheatgrass love, it is not "kosher" for us raw folks!

love love love you.. so glad you are back:)

countryliving said...

Thank you Dee for the wonderful response! Hope you are feeling better real soon. Until then you are in my prayers!

Jamie said...

I've been MIA for some time now and wow did I have some reading to catch up on! What amazing great posts. I need to remind myself to not stay away from this blog for so long - no matter how busy I am! And seriously I swear it's like some kind of weird dream. The posts that are waiting for me when I visit are always are about something I'm dealing with or thinking about! you have some kind of insight into my mind? If so, please share said insight with me b/c I’m mostly confused a lot. haha.

Ok time to catch up on everyone's comments!

Mariely1881 said...

Hello ladies, I have been flying really low under the radar latley, but I have been reading the blogs. They are right on point. I have been busy with work, and school. I graduate this May. WOOOPEE!! Dee, you have a wonderful spirit, and speak the truth about everything that you blog. I love your naked honesty. Do I still have time to throw my scale into the bonfire? Lastly,please wish me luck I am having my hysterectomy tomorrow, so I will be out for a couple of days. Hopefully I can bring my laptop to the hospital.

Kris, you were soooo right about Dana Farber... I love them and have found a new home.

Just Breath,

joyoflife said...

Hello to all

This is such a wonderful site. I'm so excited to find it. It's hard to explain how much it has influenced me. I've had breast cancer twice (my cat is sitting half on the keyboard and half on me so if there are typos..sorry)...I just finished numero dos last fall...was feeling pissy about the whole thing because now i'm taking femara for 5 years which eliminates estrogen...need I say more. Tired of thinking "cancer" I tuned into survivor week on tv to watch Lance armstorng for some much needed whoop ass and saw Kris. Life changing...really. A much needed boost to get my frame of mind back on the right track. THANK YOU ALL.

I've read some Thomas Merton and would like to pass on a segment from No Man Is An Island regarding the latest blog subject. It so summarizes what I feel after finding this blog...because you all must realize how much you help just by participating.

"We cannot love ourselves unless we love others, and we cannot love others unless we love ourselves. But, a selfish love of ourselves makes us incapable of loving others. The difficulty of this commandment lies in the paradox that it would have us love ourselves unselfishly, because even our love of ourselves is something we owe others.
What do I mean by loving ourselves properly? I mean, first of all, desiring to live, accepting life as a very great gift and a great good, not because of what it gives us, but because of what it enables us to give others.
But if we live for others, we will gradually discover that no one expects us to be 'gods'. We will see that we are human, like everyone else, that we all have weaknesses and deficiencies, and that these limitations of ours play a most important part in all our lives. It is because of them that we need others and others need us. We are not all weak in the same sports, and so we supplement and complete one another, each one making up in himself for the lack in another. Only when we see ourselves in our true human contest, as members of a race which is intended to be one organism and 'one body', will we begin to understand the positive importance not only of the successes but of the failures and accidents in our lives."

So, for me to come on and feel so much love in this blog means you all must truly be beautiful people. I can't see you but I know. You are giving and that makes you beautiful. (okay, point... throw away the scales and know you're beautiful)
I hope this makes sense. I think it's late and I'm getting sappy. Must have been my visit today to my onco and the big bear hug I got. I have found through canser the most wonderful people.
Odd how we are blessed.
Thanks to all.

Basic Me said...

good luck darling with they hysterectomy. I know all will be well and you will be rocking and rolling before long!!! Check in soon.

i wish mch would check in soon. i am hoping all her test did pass come out well and she is cancer free. yippy. i miss her.. i have got to find her number in the hundreds..

deb i am writing you asap. hugs.. callie

Jillian said...

Great post Dee... so wonderful and so true. I realize I always have to "justify" my weight. I'm constantly telling people "I was a size 2 until I quit smoking", as though it somehow makes me a better person because I used to be really thin! Ugh! What is wrong with me?

True story- I joined the gym over the summer, right before I was diagnosed with the little "c". They had a computer program there that will create a virtual image of what you look like now and what you will look like when you reach you goal weight. I told the trainer what my goal was, and the computer wouldn't let him enter it- it was too low! That is how unrealistic our expectations are... it's crazy!

Anyway- I'm sticking to my no scale for a month promise and I'm already having withdrawl... but I'm sticking to it!


Obsessedwithlife said...

Dee--Forgive me! The computer at school kept freezing when I tried to post????

So here I am! Your post was amazing-I even forwarded it to Gabe and he loved it.

Feel better!!



Alexandra said...

I think it's time for me to come out of hiding and make a comment here. Kris, I've been lurking on your blog for weeks now - ever since I saw you on Oprah. I am inspired and touched by you, as you have probably heard a million times by now.

I am not a canSer cowgirl, but I am sick, very, and too young for it, frankly!! I am 19 years old and live in Iceland and just wanted to let you know that you, your movie, your book and most of all your message has gotten all over the world - even to us here in Iceland. Thank you so much for what you are doing, it has helped me a lot and given me ideas for how I can treat myself. I am now juicing everyday and on a much better diet. I am thankful that I have been spiritual for a very long time which has helped me a very far way in my illness. Thank you so much!

Dee: Amazing post, and I agree so much with what you are saying. And we need it!!! It's sad the number of beautiful, attractive, gorgeous women that are going around treating their bodies in the most hideous way in order to be beautiful.

rachel said...

It was so good to read this. It was what I really needed.

I was on Prednisone for a long haul… and with that lovely drug mixed in with a cocktail of other lovely drugs my body went into a full on freak out. The crazy thing is that at times the hardest part of being sick has been that my outside body changes in nutso ways. For so many people weight is linked to self-control. If you are thin supposedly you have good self-control… if you are "fat" (grr hate that word) you have bad self-control. But what does it mean if your body is in a yo-yo tailspin of horror? In a world so fixated on the outside how is a cowgirl expected to stop thinking about the skin, hair, and lbs and start focusing on the insides that need some lovin'.

When I first found out my insides were haywire I felt out of control…. When my outside appearance changed I felt out of control…. When the weight gain came I felt totally out of control. People seem to think thin=sick… at my sickest I was at my heaviest. It was hard. Even now I am learning to love my body. I try to remember that if I eat well, take time for chocolate on occasion, exercise when I physically can and listen to my doctors (within reason)…. That that’s all I can do. That my body is going to do what it is going to do… and that all I can do to help it is stop freaking out about a few extra pounds and everything stupid that doesn't really matter (including the downfall of Britney Spears… which is unrelated but should be noted). Who cares if people think my weight gain means I have been worshipping at the box of hostess. Who cares if my jean size can jump down or up from one week to the next… I now that I am being consistent with my green healthy goodness (yay kale) and that my body is jumping around because of other things… not anything I can control…. Maybe my body just needs to jump around so it can jump into wellness?

Anyway thanks for the good talks.
Feeling better.

Rachel (a 24-year-old cowgirl yo).

debbiedoesraw said...

awww Flavs are you lonely honey?
Here is a big kiss for you.. smack!
Take that anyway you like..

Kristin said...

I read something awhile ago, but I don't rememeber where. Whenever I'm feeling down on my body, I remember it and it puts things in perspective a bit.
"I am poetry in flesh and blood and bone."
I find it beautiful and it helps me love my body more.

Chris in Wyoming said...

Good morning and Happy Friday!
Dee-loved the post and so sorry about the wreck-damn! I also loved what you said about folks inserting foot in mouth and you holding their drink! I needed a good laugh on this after chemo morning. (#47!)

Alexandra-welcome. I just wanted to tell you how much I love Iceland! The scenery, the! We had a wonderful time there.

Callie-hang in there. I do not know how you do it....but so many are happy that you do. Your lenten devotionals have been amazing.

Kris-after chemo yesterday, I was re-reading your book. Wow-you have really started a revolution and I thank you. I had read Cancer Vixen and then your book-the world was so ready for a new look at those hit with canser.

Chris in Wyoming

Sandra Joseph said...

Terrific post, Dee. We love you so.
Callie, I was about to add to the clutter on your answering machine. So glad you are okay.
Kris, I think we could go on for a dozen more posts about this subject.
Self-abuse over weight is so defining in our lives, one might as well engrave it on the tombstone: "Here lies Sandra; she felt fat." We must stop the madness!

Iffat said...

Great post Dee,

Love your spirit , you shine Dee.
You guys are all inspiration to me.
What can I say about scale...ummm.
I am probably under-weight and most of life have been that way. But, Happy about myself. My hubby and even my kids are under-weight.
We have always been very cautious in selecting foods. Always ate as healthy as possible.
Now, Thanks to Kris and all of you beautiful spirits here ...we are having green juice.

Green Cheers to all of you.
Keep it up friends

patricia said...

What a wonderful post. Dee and Kris. This truly hits home. I myself had an eating disorder begin at 13yrs old. Then I thought I overcame it and well it got me again at 17yrs old.after falling into an abusive relationship.I gained the courage to get out of the abusive mess ta 20 and the eating disorder started up again this time slowly at first but once I saw the results and realized that this was one way i could control things myself after being controlled for so long so I kept up the starvation diets and excessive excercising.not to mention i starting looking so good and wanted to rub it into my ex's face that i was hot & he didn't have me nor any control over me anymore... I am 5ft7in and i think my lowest weight was 104lbs. I slowly learned to control the disorder and become healthier when I met my husband at 25yrs old. He told me I was too skinny..I think i weighed 113 then. Now 6 yrs later a marriage and a child. I am happy to say my anorexia is so far away from me and i hope it never comes back. I am probably 20 lbs heavier but I am also so much healthier and happier too i must say. I think the breaking point was when i became pregnant with my twins I realized it wasn't about me anymore and I need to do what was best for them. After losing one son and watching another struggle for his life (which i am so happy to say he is a healthy 21month old)it put life and health into perspective for me and I am now with the help of this communtiy so happy to be juicing and eating raw as much as i can , not to mention doing my daily shots of wheatgrass. It is nice to look good and be the "ideal" weight but it is much nicer to be healthy.
I am in need of some new raw receipes and also does anyone have any good ways that they down the wheatgrass. I have to chase it with juice right now but don't want all the sugar..any suggestions?
Kris(and any others with liver issues), I am also in fear that i am beginning to have a sluggish liver and am scheduled for some blood work and testing next week because of some dull aches i have. Just so i can get a jump start on things(or try to) does anyone know ways to detox the liver. wOULD just continue to juice green be good or should i fast for a few days...any tips are appreciated.

Survivorchick said...

Patricia, beets are great for the liver. My cancer metastasized to my liver and I began reading about veggies to juice for my liver. And the first one that came up was, beets. However, when juicing beets, dilute with other veggies such as carrots, kale or any other leafy greens. Beets have a very strong taste. I also use ginger to cut some of the 'earthy taste' out of the juice. It only takes one beet for lots of other veggies. Hope this helps. Take care.

patricia said...

Thanks for the tip. I'm adding it to my list of produce and can't wait to hit the stores tomorrow. I appreciate your help.

Sabrina said...

Dee: Good advice!! I'll take that to heart. =) Chap. 10? Wow...I have my reading cut out for me tomorrow!!

Hope everyone is having a great day. It's absolutely gorgeous out right now -- 68 degrees & clear blue skies as far as the eye can see.

Cheers to living consciously! (one of my resolutions for this year)

Elizabeth M. said...

Dee - What an amazing post and loved your blog! I struggle all the time with weight and body image stuff. You have made me think even more. Thanks!

Patricia - I put the wheatgrass juice in with whatever green juice I've made. mixing it up helps a lot with the strong taste. if you try it, let us know what you think.

patricia said...

elizabeth m
Thanks for the tip . I used to be able to drink itwith no issues at all and all of a sudden even the smell makes me queasy. I will try mixing it in with my green drink and let you know.

Dee said...

Tae- That is incredibly flattering, thank you so much!

joyfuljude- That tends to be the way it goes. It could have been so much worse, and really, it's a blessing in disguise. Always look for a silver lining. Comments like that are just so...ridiculous, and so common that it's rather frustrating isn't it? YOU are awesome!

miss milki- Lurker! I'm so glad you finally popped out and said hello! I agree, I think everyone knows someone affected with cancer, it's quite the epidemic. Can I ask what made you suddenly eat healthier? Was it just that you were fed up with your mind set or what? Or just more so on the focus of getting rid of the M.E. ? And it does take time. It's never easy, but nothing really ever worth having is. You're so positive! I love it. And yes, you're not the first person I have heard say that as soon as they stopped freaking/stressing over what the scale was saying, they found themselves losing weight a lot easier. Stress really does harm your body!

Michelle J- STUPID! I know! You're the best dude, I love you hard. Real hard. I love our random texts too they always cheer me up (haha auto shop/traffic jams fun!).

Callie- Steroids are both a wonder, an amazement in medicine, and the biggest bastard ever known. What always frustrates me about being on steroids is that I found it SO hard to lose the weight, no matter what I did, it just doesn't let your body lose weight. So frustrating. I am so glad you're so positive now, really, it's so inspiring. And I agree, I do a lot of volunteer in that area just talking to other women my age, giving them someone to relate to. It's a very isolating position, to be so down on yourself. To hate yourself so much that you create this fantasy. It's suffocating. You're basically living this giant lie, that you're not good enough, and every day you just keep feeding it and feeding it and you're trapped. It's awful and I hate to know that anybody else is going through it, I just want to do everything I can to try and fix everyone, wrap them in hugs and love, and tell them that they aren't alone and that it's okay.

lyb- Well, then I say those are good tears. Any tears really are good tears, it's a very big 'relief' thing. And yes, they should. It's bizarre to me that so many of my friends were sending me emails going 'my mom/sister/brother/lover just got in almost the exact accident a few weeks ago'. People need to pay attention!

granola- You're welcome! Thank you for taking something positive away from it. It was a bit overwhelming, being so BAM out there with some really personal things but it was really therapeutic. I think the biggest misconception of everything is really an individuals perspective, whether it's of themselves or of others. It's always going to be skewed. AND big fat ditto on the unique sentiment, I don't live a normal life by any means and I love that, who wants to be like everybody else? Talk about b-o-r-i-n-g. You, you unique gorgeous soul, are amazing.

jaymie- You're welcome for everything! *GIANTHUGS*

skyecat- Well, if people are taking the time to read my story and comment on it, the least I can do is take the time to respond back to them. Open the lines of communication, keep it flowing. If you can get your blood pressure back down to normal and maintain it at normal without medication, I personally don't see why you should be on them either, but I'm no MD.

countryliving- You're very sweet, thank you.

jamie- That happened to me! I was busy with a whirling dose of life and didn't read the blog for about two weeks, came back and was like 'oh my word!'.

mariely- CONGRATULATIONS! That is a HUGE achievement you should be really really proud of yourself! There is always time to throw the scale in the bonfire, always. Just step back, fumes can be toxic. I appreciate that compliment, naked honesty is really the best policy. Besides, what's better than know, that's...naked. Hah, naked. Fun word, sorry. Moving on. Dana Farber is absolutely amazing, I second that sentiment. I wish you all the luck on your operation, I hope it went well, give yourself time to heal, let yourself breathe, recover, relax, we've all got you.

joyoflife- LOL @ the cat. And I love that quote, a friend of mine used part of it in a paper for school and I remember just reading it over, and over, because it just really struck home. And I agree, I have met some of the most amazing people through this journey, and I love each and every one of them.

jillian- EXACTLY! That is exactly what I'm talking about. Like that statement really makes who we are better! And what really is worse, is when peoples perception of us changes because of it, like we're suddenly 'cooler' because we used to be a certain size, or look a certain way. It's ridiculous and just feeds into the whole nasty vicious circle. Hope the withdrawal isn't too bad!

obsessedwithlife(Rach)- HI GABE! Lol. I'm so glad you enjoyed it (even though I think we've had similar conversations before?). Blame the computer on your crazy prof...

alexandra- Welcome! I'm so glad you came out of hiding, and are taking care of yourself, body/mind/spirit/soul, it's so important.

rachel- UGH! Prednisone. Poopy, pooopy, icky Prednisone (and that taste it leaves on the back of your throat after you swallow it? I swear, so hard to get rid of). I know completely that yo-yo tailspin of horror, I was on that ride for far too long. It's so ridiculous and so frustrating. Especially when you hear 'you have cancer? but how come you're not skin and bones?'. *headdesk*. You speak the truth! I swear, we have so much in common it's scary. Nothing is scarier then being completely out of control with what is going on in your own body. It makes you feel powerless. I'm glad you're feeling better! I would love to chat with you more...

Deb- Aw...deb and flavs...sitting in a tree...

Chris- WOO #47! YOU GO! I'm glad I provided a laugh. Because really, though, I bring comic relief. Or I try to, lol.

Sandra Joseph- Thank you!

iffat- Thank you! Nothing wrong with a little sparkle and shine (why does that sound like an ad for a carwash?)

patricia- I was around that age as well (probably closer to 12). Once you realize how manipulative you can be to your own body, how you can really change it, you get obsessed and take it far, way too far. Most of the times it's because of control, you need to control something, anything, and what better then what you do with your body, to your body or put in your body? I'm so proud of you for knowing that you had two babies to take care of. I have seen far too many mothers to be let their eating disordered ways endanger their children and it just, breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss, but am grateful for the knowledge it has brought to you (if that makes sense). As far as recipes go, The Raw Gourmet is fantastic. Recommend it definitely. The Raw Food Detox Diet is pretty great as well.

sabrina- I know! Me too! Oy! Love the resolution.

elizabeth m- Good! I'm really glad it caused the thinking (that's what the good is for, not the struggling part). You're so welcome!

whichwaydidshego said...

Dee, you are truly made of awesome! This is inspiring for ANY woman - whether she is facing cancer or simply another day in America. Rage on, girlfriend.

apoopslingingmonkey said...

Dee!!! AWESOME post! Soooo many words of wisdom in there!!! thanks for the new insights :)
oh, and Krav Maga, I have always wanted to try that lol.
Have you tried Muay Thai? wow! its awesome and kicks butt!

Dee said...

whichwaydidshego?- Squee! I love you so hard, I just got your email but I'm like half asleep so I'll have to reply later. I am so glad you stopped by and checked this out. YOU are made of awesome. And have I told you lately how stoked I am for our Antarctica trip? Awesome.awesome.awesome.awesome! It's going to be fantastic.

apoopslingingmonkey- That's Thai boxing right? I don't know THAT much about it but I have heard of it. Do you do it regularly? I'd love to know more. I love Krav Maga, a friend of mine got me into it. It's really addicting.

apoopslingingmonkey said...

yeah that's what it is and its awesomely brutal! LOL! Its one of the best fighting techniques ever. I was almost about to study under one of the world champions but i had to move outta state, and my golden opportunity was lost. :( sooooo bummmed!
Basically is like learning boxing, kickboxing, karate, all in one, but with thai techniques etc. also including how to fight with your elbows and knees which is so cool. these thai guys are deadly, im sure just as the krav guys are. Muay Thai also is one of the best exercises you could ever dream of lol! you can order dvds on amazon too, i got this set, its really good-

wyldegirl said...

lordy lordy miss dee. . . you are too incredible for words.
no, really. i'm speechless.
xx jenny

Jillian said...

Must tell you all- I went bathing suit shopping today (eek!!) and it went well. I have to admit, even with those extra lbs. I still rocked that one-piece in the badly-lit dressing room. I dont' think I could have gotten there without all of you. so thanks!

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Sarah said...

Thanks, Dee, for putting into words what many surely feel and accompanying it with your inspirational perspective!

People shyly complimented me on how great I looked in the wake of my husband's death, and I graciously thanked them. I knew it wasn't about how I looked, anyway, but the grace and exuberance I was making a concerted effort to live my life with, despite grief, loneliness and sometimes despair...It was all affecting how others saw me.

As the cancer partner instead of the patient, I haven't had to deal with the myriad of drugs and therapies literally changing how the body works. I've maintained about the same weight since college, but I can tell by the concerned inquiries by family that I look "too thin" that I might need to take some time for myself since my appearance, either thriving or suffering, is caused by my mental more than physical health.

Just one more way that goes to show how much attitude matters!

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